The last few weeks have been both harder and easier than I expected. Most days are good; some aren't.
Grief is like that. You get used to a new normal, and life goes on. Then, just when you think it's going okay, you see a picture of him with his birthfather and your heart literally hurts.
The first night we went to bed without him, our lives and home felt so empty. As I struggled to get to sleep, I remembered the song, "He's got the whole world in His hands..." And my mind created a picture of God's huge hands that can hold Baby J wherever he is.
We went to see him five days after he went to live with his father. On the way home, a rainbow was visible for a long time. We both felt that God was whispering to us, "I'm going to make this good."
God's gentleness felt so real. Not that we will get him back necessarily (and as time goes on, it looks very unlikely), but that God loves him, and He loves us, and He has it all under control.
I've had to repeat those words to myself many times, but I always (eventually) end up trusting that it will be okay.
On Saturday, Baby J's birthfather called and asked if we could keep him overnight. We said, "Yes!" without any hesitation, though we both recalled the very painful day when we lost him. Would it be that day all over again?
Having him for a little over 24 hours was a precious gift. To know how precious it was, think of it this way: If you lost a loved one, and you never expected to see them again here on this earth, wouldn't 24 hours with them be incredible? Baby J is still living, so maybe it isn't really the same, but it still felt so good to have him back in our home and in our arms. He's never left our hearts, of course.
He seems happy and healthy which also made me feel better. I think his father is doing the best job he can do under that circumstances. So, no, I don't think we'll get him back. And do we want that? (Yes! Yes, we do on one hand, but...). Is it better for Baby J to grow up with his father? You know what? We don't really know. And I think that's one of the things God's been trying to teach us, that we don't really know everything, so we need to trust him with a capital T.
When we handed him back over to his father, it was okay. I was okay. But three days later, I am missing him again.
We don't know when (or if) we will see him again. His father doesn't have to let us see him, so we appreciate what he has done so far. We offered to babysit once a month, but we don't know if he'll want that.
Once a month...he will change so fast between times. We'll miss so much.
And we miss him so much.
But we're so glad we said yes to having him in our home, even if it was only for a little while, and even if it hurts.
