And we're waiting again.

We're still waiting on the official Polish paperwork, although being a holiday week, I have a feeling we would be waiting on Poland or the US. Hopefully we will get the paperwork within a week. And we're still hoping to fly over there in the month that starts with "F"...for family.

I know you, my friends and family, are probably wondering what your role will be (or wondering if there are things you should and shouldn't say?). Since we don't really know how this is all going to go, I don't know what to say exactly. But I've been reading a lot and asking other people and so I have a few things. (Most of this is directed to me more than anyone else.)

1. Lower my expectations. I want my children to be kind, compassionate, to love and honor God, and to be humble. But when I was talking to another adoptive mother, she said, "If I could change one thing, I would not expect so much from them. I mean, I just thought that my children would go to college and it doesn't look like one of my sons will go. I need to let go of my expectations." And a book I read described a study of internationally adopted children. They found the children who did the best (emotionally, etc.) were the ones who were born to average families, ones who didn't require them to have high profile jobs or career; they could be themselves and were given time to bloom.

I want to love my children for who they are, without expecting them to be something else. That whatever they become, it's okay. I will love them no matter what. Of course, I want them to be good people, just not high achievers if they aren't.

Anyway, just expect them to make social faux pas (wait, are they my biological children after all?) and take some time, years even, to catch up.

2. Be humble. Along with having low expectations, I need to be prepared to feel like an inadequate parent. In many ways, my children will be older than their years; in others, they will be behind socially and academically. They won't "get" some things. And I need to be prepared that I may be judged based on that.

The statistic is that for every one month the child spends in an institution, they lose three months of development. Obviously, that means a child may go backward. We don't know much about where our children have spent their time, but I think it's better than some places.

3. I don't know what to call this. My children aren't really "lucky" to have us (I mean, have you seen or talked to us?)  but I suppose we're better than aging out of a system and having nobody. But in order to get us, they had to have experienced loss already. A child who has lost his or her first set of parents isn't really lucky, right?

And I don't want them to feel like a charity case. I don't want them to think we're just doing this to look good, or that we're only doing it for God, or that we felt so bad about all the orphans that we had to make a difference. We want to love them, plain and simple.

Frankly, I am a little nervous about this. Well-meaning people telling them that they're so lucky to have parents. You know, there are so many other kids who never get adopted. But what if they just want their biological parents and think we're weird? Because, ahem, I may have thought my own fabulous parents were weird, once upon a time. And I didn't realize how amazing they were until a few years after the eye rolls, hair flips, and groundings. Uh, not that we're amazing or anything. You know what I mean.

4. How much did they cost? Actually, the children didn't cost a dime. And they should have because they're priceless. Anyway, I probably won't get upset about this one, but again, I don't want the kids to feel expensive or that they caused us hardship or something.

By the way, if you want to know how much the fees were, you can find out easily by doing a Google search. And if you want to know so you can adopt also, well, I will gladly help you out. Just ask me privately.

5. Cocooning. When we get home, we'll probably stay close to home for awhile. We need to get to know each other as a family, plus our kids need to understand that we're the ones to depend on for their needs. As odd as it may seem, attaching to us may be really challenging and they shouldn't have other caregivers until they begin to trust us.

6. We need a break! Cocooning or not, this is going to be really challenging for us, so we may need some sanity time. We'll ask our friends and family for an hour here and there to babysit, if needed. Have no fear, we'll do as much as we can by ourselves, but we know healthy, destressed parents will do a better job.

Wow, I intended to just update everyone on our wait, but I went a little overboard. I trust I am not alone when I look forward to leaving behind the heavy stuff and be able to write posts that say, "We arrived in Poland!," "we met the munchkins," "Pierogies are delicicious,"and "Warsaw in March is...um...really cold!"

Poland approval!

Update the Paperwork Process
Step one - Physicals -  DONE!
Step two - State of IL approval - DONE!
Step three - USCIS approval - DONE!
Step four - Poland approval - DONE!
Step five - USCIS approval
Step six - wait 30 days before we can travel
Step seven - meet our children!

I found out that we were approved by Poland today. They are legalizing the paperwork and will be emailing it as soon as it's done.

Once we receive it, we will do more paperwork and send it off to USCIS. We should get approval from them approximately 3 weeks later, though we don't know what the Christmas/New Year's holidays will do.

Getting closer!

How adoption has changed me

Although I have always been interested in adoption, we seriously started the process because we wanted a family. We envisioned our life with just the two of us and it felt...flat. No children to share life's joys and sorrows, no grandchildren. Even though I enjoy our life together and we're thankful, we wanted a family. (I know not everyone has this adoption option, so I am not trying to hurt anyone; just sharing our thoughts.)

Not only would we have a family, we could offer a home to children who wouldn't have had one. Sounds like a win-win to me.

But then my eyes and heart were opened. And, just like that, the plight of the orphan changed my life.

I think I've cried at least once a day for the last month. Even before that, my thoughts about adoption went something like this: I want to! I can't! I don't want to! I should want to! I can do this! I can't! Someone else would be better! What if there is no one else? Help me, God!

If you want to find the statistics, you can find them easily. They are really, really ugly. So ugly that I am ashamed that it took us this long to do this. Here's one: 90% of the girls who leave Russian orphanages at age 16 end up as prostitutes. 

But on the other hand, I read books about adoption. How, even as an infant, a child mourns the loss of his/her mother. They know the voice that carried them. It gets even worse as the child gets older. For every cry that isn't answered, every new caregiver change, each month without nurturing, their brain actually changes. Normal situations seem scary and another loss is just around the corner to them. They don't know how to emotionally react to normal situations.

The adoptive parents have their work cut out for them. It's not enough to love the child and provide a consistent, safe environment. They have to help the child learn how respond appropriately, to form their identity even with all the changes and loss they've already experienced, and to attach to their new family.

It's scary. 

I can understand why more people don't adopt or do foster care. It's disruptive. It must be so hard to be a parent anyway, without the added challenges. Someone else, with more discipline, stamina, perseverance, would be better at this.

Someone else would be better, but someone else is not here.

Our agency has a blog in which they post pictures or videos of waiting children. Often, these children have special medical needs or they're getting close to aging out of the system. In other words, it's hard to find a family for them.

I watched this video and cried. Then I tried telling Bryan about it and I cried again. And I'm crying again as I write this. It pierces my heart.

And that's why this has been a life-changing experience. We're walking into this with our eyes as wide open as they can be with our rose-colored glasses ripped off. No matter how imperfect our childhood was, we were given a precious gift. I didn't deserve that gift more than the boy in the video or our two children. Yet I have been given so much...and I didn't even know how much I had.

Anyway, despite how scared I must sound (and we are!), we really are excited to meet and love our children. Even though we don't feel capable AT ALL, we will do our best.

My sister has this quote at her house: There's no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one.

Hopefully we will be able to be good parents in the ways that truly matter.

Update is in the mail!

My trip to Springfield was less painful than last. I fed $.75 into the meter and sailed into the office. Just a very minor hiccup this time which means I should have no problems next time I go. I know where it is, I know the process and I know what I'm supposed to do. Yes, unfortunately there is at least one more "next time." But, hey, we can deal with that.

After visiting the Secretary of State, I marched into the closest Post Office facility I could find, only to discover they don't do packages. So instead, I practiced my Polish all the way to a familiar post office and requested Express mail again. This time, they could not guarantee delivery until Friday afternoon. I hope it gets there tomorrow, because every day counts. Christmas is going to delay things a bit, so the sooner, the better.

According to our agency, we should get the official referral within two weeks. While we wait, I will start the next wave of paperwork so it's ready to send off to USCIS as soon as possible. 

What all this means is that, barring any other paperwork delays, it seems like we'll be flying in February. I've suppressed my excitement for months, but we can see the end. And that's really exciting to us, so we may be annoying to be around :)!

USCIS approval!

We got our USCIS approval letter today! Giddy was the right word to describe me as I flipped through the mail, past the Christmas cards and catalogs to find a plump envelope from the USCIS. I immediately planned a visit to the Secretary of State's office tomorrow for another apostilling adventure. (I will take 4 quarters this time to spare myself a trip to McDonald's, if you remember last time.)

I was a bit deflated, however, when I found that I needed letters from our physician, instead of just our physical forms...which means I immediately called our doctor's office, leaving a message that we would love to have those letters ASAP. So, I am not sure when they will get done. But you better believe that as soon as I get them in my hands, I'll be burning rubber on the way to Springfield.

As soon as everything has the (literal) seal of approval, I will send it off to our agency. I am really not sure how long Step 4 will take. The entity responsible for our children must meet to formally approve us, and we don't know when they will meet again. 

Assuming they approve us, we will get a huge amount of paperwork and that will process our last (maybe) USCIS approval.

I say "maybe" because we are on a time crunch. If we don't get back to the US with our kids by 3/21/13, we need to apply for an extension from the USCIS.

Today is encouraging, so we're thankful for progress.

Update the Paperwork Process
Step one - Physicals -  DONE!
Step two - State of IL approval - DONE!
Step three - USCIS approval - DONE!
Step four - Poland approval
Step five - USCIS approval
Step six - wait 30 days before we can travel
Step seven - meet our children!