The biggest challenge
My sister asked me recently: "What's the biggest challenge about adoption?"
There have been many, but the one that has stuck around the longest and bothers me the most, is that the kids feel we aren't always trustworthy. Even after months and months of meeting their needs, being consistent, and daily assuring them that we will not lie to them or leave them, they still do not always believe it. I understand why this is a problem, but I don't know how long it will be an issue. Maybe forever? Even though I see security building in some ways, in others it's regressing.
This week, one of them said, "I know why you adopted us...so we could do all your work!" They are not a fan of their chores :). David also told us he is going to get married as soon as possible so we can't boss him around anymore.
Ohio
The first weekend in November, we took my Grandma and went to visit family in Ohio. First, I was pretty tense on the way out. I think I was worried that their friendly and not-so-friendly banter (quit touching me, stop pulling my seatbelt, give me that book!) was driving my Grandma batty. She deserves to ride in peace! I have no idea what she really thought, but she was calm throughout the trip.
The whole trip was sweet to me. It was my old place that I loved and didn't want to leave. I introduced them to family, I showed them my old house, and they made friends with my friends' children which was probably the sweetest of all.
On the first night, we had pizza with an old, old friend. This friend is a good one and we go back, way back. When I was walking around on the playground alone at recess in my shiny purple coat, I once looked at the swings and saw this bubbly, vivacious girl laughing and talking. I thought to myself, Wow, she has so many friends. I didn't mind walking around alone at recess. I liked to read books, so I didn't really care if I had friends or not. But I remember thinking she was so different than I was. And I thought she was pretty cool. Someone like her would never want to be my friend.
And then one day, we did became friends. From that day to today, she has been the friend who stuck by me (even when I was a jerk - and I was sometimes). She is the one I can always count on to cry with me when I cry and to laugh with me when I laugh. She has cheered me up more times than I could remember, once sending me a sunshine box in a particularly sad time in my life. She was there for my dad's funeral, for my wedding, and for an amazing crepe- and antique-filled weekend. Every time I see her, we can pick up where we left off. I have some really, really good friends. But I think she is the only friend (except for some special relatives) who loved me as much when I was unlovable.
This time, her husband was home and it was like I was transported back to 8th grade, when the three of us were really good friends. We laughed and laughed, just like we did back then. And it felt good.
It also felt good to watch her daughter play with mine. And her daughter wanted to give mine a special gift. I was overwhelmed as I watched her little 6-year-old girl be generous to mine. I knew where she got it: from her mother who had learned it from her mother, a special lady named Barb H.
So that was good.
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| Old friends who are still young. Right? Right?! |
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| Her daughter and mine |
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| David doesn't always smile or look at the camera, but I got him on this one! |
Then we went to another old friend's home. With both friends, the time spent together is always too short and the time between visits is always too long. But every time we get together, it's like we've never been apart. I won't wax poetic on this one, only because I would say many of the same things. But it was so good to see my kids playing with hers immediately. Roxy even slept in their girls' room, the first time she had ever done that. (Makes me wish we had a sister for Roxy, but more on that in a second.)
Then we spent time with family. I knew David would enjoy my cousin's boys. Sure enough. He did. He said at one point, "Those boys are the same kind of crazy I am!"
Tomorrow, we have a 19 hour trip to Florida. So our Ohio trip was kind of a short test run. Anyway, on the way home, the kids were complete angels. In fact, I wasn't sure if someone made a kid swap and we had actually left the kids in Ohio! But they slept almost half the trip. When they were awake, they mostly just looked out the window. It was lovely.
You know what else is lovely? As I mentioned, things are getting better. When we were in Poland, our bedtime routine took somewhere around 2.5 hours. 2.5 hours!!! When we got home, we shaved off an hour, but we also had problems with getting them to relax enough to sleep. Our family doctor suggested melatonin and it.was.fantastic. I had bottles everywhere, so I never went without it. She told me that eventually the kids wouldn't need it anymore, but I have to say that I didn't really believe her. But you know what? Listen to your doctor. She was right. We stopped giving it to them regularly about a month ago. One child is really easy to get to bed now, but as recently as a couple of weeks ago, one child was still requiring about an hour to get a bath, read books, and fall asleep. If I left the room before the child was sleeping, well, cries would begin and wouldn't stop. Then I was thinking: Is the child feeling abandoned? Is this helping bonding? Should I really stay here until they fall asleep?
So on the advice of my sister-in-law, I told the child, I will stay in here for 10 more minutes. Now I leave when the ten minutes are up. It's usually fine.
They are still usually up by 6 am. Even on Saturdays and Sundays. They don't always appreciate that Bryan and I might like to stay in bed past 6:01 on a Sunday morning. "It's 6:01," hisses a voice. "It's time to get up." And if the hissing won't make me get out of bed, the morning breath will.
Anyway, I was just about to institute an amendment to my previous policy (you can't come out of your room until 6:00) to say it must be 6:30 on weekends, when the kids decided that they liked sleep more than they thought. "I don't get it," said David. "I don't know why I like to sleep more now, but I do!"
I don't usually have problems getting them up for school, so I should be thankful for their early morningness. Just not on weekend mornings, thank you.
A random funny. I put on a jacket one day while I prepared to take the kids to school for the Friday morning assembly. "Mom?" said David. "Are you wearing that?" "Yes, I am." "Please don't wear it in the school. It looks...stupid." So I did what any parent would do: I wore and I wore it proud. Even when the gym got hot, I would not take off my jacket. Now why do I feel the need to embarrass my child?
Lisa is crazy
If you know about any of the challenges we faced through adoption, you will think I am crazy. Along with everyone else. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I thought it was time to start the adoption process again. We have done a lot of things wrong, and we're far from great parents, but I still felt I had a little love left to give a child or children. So I talked to Bryan about adopting again and I even showed him who I thought we should adopt.
Bryan: "Are you psycho?" Followed by, "Ever since I married you, you have made me uncomfortable!" Which I thought was a fantastic compliment!
That night, Roxy prayed for a sister who could sleep in her room and play with her. "Dear God, please bring me a sister from" - "Hey, mom, where from? Fairbury? Forrest? Poland?" - I thought it was cute. And it was funny when David prayed to not have any more siblings because he didn't want to share his toys.
Anyway, I was pretty confident that we should be moving forward with another adoption, when I talked to my caseworker. "I really don't think your kids are ready yet." And I was thinking, but it will take at least a year again. Surely Bryan and the kids will be ready in a year.
But I was the only one who was really ready. And then I found out that my prospective children had found a new home. So we're back to enjoying our two kids and no plan to move forward. It's pretty difficult to see all the waiting children who come from our adoption agency, though. They usually have some special needs, and one boy just died a few weeks ago while waiting for a family. If that doesn't break your heart, I don't know what will. Life is hard sometimes.
School
School continues to go well. Roxy is reading a little bit and David's teacher said he should be totally at grade level by the end of the school year. He is also reading chapter books fairly easily. And their English is doing great. I haven't used Google Translate for weeks!
