Hope for our future

An update!

We're still experiencing lots of firsts around here. As you can imagine, the first time we do things, the kids usually experience some anxiety because they don't know what to expect.

First non-family guests over for dinner - went well. The kids helped set the tables and clean the house the day before. They played well with the other kids (we had a little bit of obnoxiousness, but I think that was just anxiety-triggered).

First overnight trip My stepdad's father passed away, so we took a whirlwind trip to Iowa. The trip there was so-so, but the way home went very well. I learned that my definition of "lots of books and toys and snacks" is not the same as the kids.' I will change that for next time. I also learned that the back seat ain't big enough for the both of them :).

First church potluck. I am really strict about bedtimes, so we're usually the first ones to leave the party. The kids don't like that. They usually whine all the way home: "Why do we always have to leave before anyone else? You don't want us to have any fun!" Anyway, we were cleaning up after this particular potluck, so we were one of the last to leave and both kids were very tired. On the way home, we heard: "We stayed too long! We should have left earlier!" With parenting, you can't win.

Second overnight. Our 8th anniversary is today, so we celebrated last weekend by going away. While we were enjoying the peace and quiet that we experienced most of our previous years of marriage, Bryan said, "You know, I miss the noisy chaos of home."

School continues to go amazingly well. The kids are keeping up and doing well in most areas. They enjoy making friends. It's helping their English come along even faster. I haven't consulted Google Translate in weeks. While we still have some miscommunication, we're all less frustrated.

Horseback riding The kids enjoyed horseback riding and can't wait to go again.

A new swing set Through the generosity of friends and family, we were the recipients of a great swing set that the kids love. I like them to spend as much time outside as possible, so they've had a lot of fun swinging and performing tricks on the bars and rings.

David likes to make things. Here's his homemade bow and arrow.

First combine ride Yesterday, they rushed through their homework and after school chores so they could ride with Bryan in the combine. David decided that riding in the tractor was a little more fun than riding in the combine.

Funny story David usually says the first thing that comes to his mind which is not always tactful. We will work on that soon, but please don't be offended if it's directed at you :). Anyway, he LOVES our lunch at church and will consume as many calories as possible. So Bryan told my cousin to take away the tray of food when she was ready to clean up instead of waiting until David finished eating (because that could be awhile!). So she took the tray away eventually and he said, "Hey, lady, I'm hungry!"

No screaming here I didn't think I was a yeller, but kids seem to have amplified my voice. It's something I'm working on, not yelling at the kids. A few weeks ago, one of the kids and I were having a frustrating conversation. "I'm hungry!" "I know. You can eat this food." "But I'm so hungry. Please, can I eat?" "Yes, I said you can eat this." "Why don't you let me eat anything?" "Please eat this food." "But I am so hungry!" It was just as crazy it sounds. As the child started crying because I wouldn't let him/her eat the food that I said he/she could eat, I got really frustrated. I turned around, walked a few feet away and yelled at the wall, complete with hands thrown up in frustration. Then I turned back to the child who had snapped out of the misunderstanding rut we had been in. And they started eating. Anyway, my friend Kent mimicked me, and I snapped a picture. Since then, I've only yelled one word. If anyone else has yelling problems, just look at this picture of Kent to help you.

Both Bryan and I had a lot of fears associated with adoption. It would have been so much easier to keep our life as it was, but the day I got serious about adoption was the day I heard these words: "It's not about you."

So we decided to move forward. And if the kids didn't "turn out" or disrupted our pleasant life or hated our guts, well, so what? It wasn't about us, so we tried to focus as much as possible on the children. We were still scared, though, and through the following two years, we had some emotional stress that we didn't plan on. It was extremely challenging, and I was full of doubts about my ability to do this.

Then we met the kids. And things went okay for the first week, but it got challenging real fast. It was difficult for all of us, for many reasons. I mean there were days that I didn't think I could take anymore. I'm sure you can imagine. On this blog, I've tried to be as positive, but as candid as possible. I don't want anyone to think this is easy and jump in without understanding the challenges. But I also don't want to portray our children as anything but normal.

In the thick of things, I told myself many times: "You can't give up. You CANNOT give up on these kids. YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP." But I couldn't see any relief in sight...and I wasn't handling things the way I should have been. I understood why people I had talked to about adoption said they couldn't do it. I understood failed adoptions. I understood why adoption disrupted families.

My inner monologue was interesting. I'll spare you.

As difficult it has been, I wouldn't have made it any easier, because the things we're seeing now wouldn't be nearly as sweet.

I've started writing this part of the post several times. And I have to accept that I won't write it well enough.

Bryan and I are just ordinary people. We aren't the people we really want to be. We haven't done anything worthy of the redemption that we're experiencing. We're just...us. So we don't really deserve the priceless gift we have been given.

What is that gift? It was the fulfillment of our fears and the answer to our hopes: our children. Some of our fears with adoption have come true. If I would have known how difficult it really would have been, I would like to think that I still would have done it, but I am not sure. But we have been given something far greater than the sum of our fears.

I can't tell you how rewarding it's been to

• see the anxiety disappear when we're heading home, a place that our kids now view as a place of safety, security, and refuge
• know that they trust that we will not leave them
• see them blossom under love that's sometimes tough
• discipline them, but to hear them admit they know we love them no matter what (oops, I made this sound like I enjoy disciplining, which I don't, but I do appreciate that they know we love them)
• see their willingness to step out of their comfort zones
• see the application of their intelligence
• know that I am becoming a better person, because they help sand off my rough edges

Someday, when they're old enough to really comprehend, I want to talk about our beginning as a family and how all of us came together. We all brought our own hurts into our family relationship that were exacerbated by the stress of living together without a history. Those hurts influenced how we interacted with each other, not always in ways that were loving and good. And I will tell them that life isn't always easy (in fact, I would say it's never easy), but when you stick together, when you love each other - even when you don't feel like it -, you can weather the storm. Together. 

My fears nearly kept me from enjoying two of my life's greatest blessings (and frustrations - let's be real!) and almost certainly would have kept two lovely, talented, and inspiring children with lots of potential in an institution for the rest of their childhood. 

It's not about me? Actually, it was about me - giving me more than I deserved, that is - after all.