We tried.

We did our best, we did everything within our control, we submitted the outcome to God, but the answer is that one parent wants to keep the baby.

We have an odd mix of relief, disappointment, sadness, and happiness. We wish only the best for the child and his family.

Though He slay me

When I say we've been stressed, I know there are people who have suffered (and still suffer) so much more than we have. My heart bleeds for them. This story is not one of "how-we-have-the-worst-situation" because that's not us. We have been amazingly and wonderful blessed.

But I picked up a calendar last week and started going through the first weeks of 2012. There have been some really hard things. Thankfully, someone shared the verse from Job: Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

Last week, I took back all my thoughts that adoption was a beautiful thing. It was stripped down to its nakedness and revealed that adoption results from pain, sin, the questions that will forever remain unanswered (why did I get the good things out of life? I don't deserve them more than that person, etc.), and on and on. It seemed to show the stark inequality in the world, that life really is not fair and that, frankly, sometimes people have so many things against them, how can they ever get out of the hole and have dreams of their own future?

Last night, we had dinner with part of baby A's family. We were "interviewed" by them and it was a good experience. On the way home, I thought to myself, "Yes, adoption does reveal the gritty, realistic details of life. But, while it may not be beautiful in and of itself, it seems redemptive somehow. That a couple with no children to love might be given one. And a family who isn't sure they can provide for a child they love might have a place to send him." 

So while it seems too real to be beautiful, with God's perfect wisdom, it seems right.

We still don't know what the family will decide, but they said they would let us know on Monday.

No matter what happens now, we're okay with it, because...Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

Helpless, but not Hopeless

"I'm stressed," Bryan said, as he handed me an empty package of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies.

"You ate them all?"

I can't believe he ate my cookies. He doesn't even like sweets! But cookies aside, we have been stressed.

The last two weeks have been filled with bewilderment, anxiety, stress, uncertainty and more. Basically, the facts are that this baby will probably be born and go home with someone else. We knew this was a risk going into this, so it's not really a surprise...although the craziness has been a bit more crazy than we expected.

So here's where we are: by next week, we should know whether we will have a son soon (although the way things have gone, it ain't over til it's over). In some ways, I feel we do have a child. His sonogram is sitting on our desk. But in many other ways, he's not ours.

It's hard to think about his future, but we're really trying to trust God. Yes, it's stressful, but I think we're doing fairly well. We're helpless, but not hopeless. You can't really be hopeless when your trust is in God, right?

I will post as soon as I hear an answer one way or another.

Rollercoaster

I've never liked rollercoasters. Never. Even as a teenager when most kids like plunging suddenly, flipping upside down and whipping around corners at breakneck speeds. Not me.

But we're on one now - wow, are we ever. Without putting too many details in so public a place, I've been up since 2:30 this morning, sorting through baby clothes, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes and sorting laundry.

Today I've heard the baby's heartbeat, and I hope I can see him on a sonogram later.

But will we ever get to hold him?

Adoption Update

The only indication that we're getting closer (perhaps, I must always insert perhaps) to a baby is the four tubs of boy clothes on the family room floor I am going through. The crib is up, but then, it's always up.

Otherwise, we've done nothing. Sometimes I sit in a chair, pretending I need to rest my swollen feet and ankles :). I don't have swollen feet and ankles, of course, but resting is nice.

Bryan and I were chatting last night. We both agreed we feel out of control. A phone call to the lawyer yesterday revealed that we were at a standstill. We wish we would be making progress with the paperwork, but he's trying. We called the birthmother last night and felt better after talking to her. She said we could come to the hospital when she's in labor, if we want to. We do. 

I wonder if other expectant parents feel the way we feel now. Not knowing when the phone call will come. Not knowing where we'll be. Wondering if we should take our family trip the first weekend in April or if he'll be born when we're hours from home. Wondering what he'll look like or how his personality will be.

Not knowing if we will be bringing him home.

I am trying to stay busy, but not too busy. I want to savor the last few weeks of being with Bryan without the distraction of a child. I want to enjoy throwing myself into my job and serving my students. I want to give myself a crash course on being more selfless, loving, tender, patient, and kind. I want to look forward in great anticipation to meeting our son. I want to have time to really (and I mean, REALLY) think about our parental responsibilities.

Still waiting.