Though He slay me

When I say we've been stressed, I know there are people who have suffered (and still suffer) so much more than we have. My heart bleeds for them. This story is not one of "how-we-have-the-worst-situation" because that's not us. We have been amazingly and wonderful blessed.

But I picked up a calendar last week and started going through the first weeks of 2012. There have been some really hard things. Thankfully, someone shared the verse from Job: Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

Last week, I took back all my thoughts that adoption was a beautiful thing. It was stripped down to its nakedness and revealed that adoption results from pain, sin, the questions that will forever remain unanswered (why did I get the good things out of life? I don't deserve them more than that person, etc.), and on and on. It seemed to show the stark inequality in the world, that life really is not fair and that, frankly, sometimes people have so many things against them, how can they ever get out of the hole and have dreams of their own future?

Last night, we had dinner with part of baby A's family. We were "interviewed" by them and it was a good experience. On the way home, I thought to myself, "Yes, adoption does reveal the gritty, realistic details of life. But, while it may not be beautiful in and of itself, it seems redemptive somehow. That a couple with no children to love might be given one. And a family who isn't sure they can provide for a child they love might have a place to send him." 

So while it seems too real to be beautiful, with God's perfect wisdom, it seems right.

We still don't know what the family will decide, but they said they would let us know on Monday.

No matter what happens now, we're okay with it, because...Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

Helpless, but not Hopeless

"I'm stressed," Bryan said, as he handed me an empty package of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies.

"You ate them all?"

I can't believe he ate my cookies. He doesn't even like sweets! But cookies aside, we have been stressed.

The last two weeks have been filled with bewilderment, anxiety, stress, uncertainty and more. Basically, the facts are that this baby will probably be born and go home with someone else. We knew this was a risk going into this, so it's not really a surprise...although the craziness has been a bit more crazy than we expected.

So here's where we are: by next week, we should know whether we will have a son soon (although the way things have gone, it ain't over til it's over). In some ways, I feel we do have a child. His sonogram is sitting on our desk. But in many other ways, he's not ours.

It's hard to think about his future, but we're really trying to trust God. Yes, it's stressful, but I think we're doing fairly well. We're helpless, but not hopeless. You can't really be hopeless when your trust is in God, right?

I will post as soon as I hear an answer one way or another.

Rollercoaster

I've never liked rollercoasters. Never. Even as a teenager when most kids like plunging suddenly, flipping upside down and whipping around corners at breakneck speeds. Not me.

But we're on one now - wow, are we ever. Without putting too many details in so public a place, I've been up since 2:30 this morning, sorting through baby clothes, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes and sorting laundry.

Today I've heard the baby's heartbeat, and I hope I can see him on a sonogram later.

But will we ever get to hold him?

Adoption Update

The only indication that we're getting closer (perhaps, I must always insert perhaps) to a baby is the four tubs of boy clothes on the family room floor I am going through. The crib is up, but then, it's always up.

Otherwise, we've done nothing. Sometimes I sit in a chair, pretending I need to rest my swollen feet and ankles :). I don't have swollen feet and ankles, of course, but resting is nice.

Bryan and I were chatting last night. We both agreed we feel out of control. A phone call to the lawyer yesterday revealed that we were at a standstill. We wish we would be making progress with the paperwork, but he's trying. We called the birthmother last night and felt better after talking to her. She said we could come to the hospital when she's in labor, if we want to. We do. 

I wonder if other expectant parents feel the way we feel now. Not knowing when the phone call will come. Not knowing where we'll be. Wondering if we should take our family trip the first weekend in April or if he'll be born when we're hours from home. Wondering what he'll look like or how his personality will be.

Not knowing if we will be bringing him home.

I am trying to stay busy, but not too busy. I want to savor the last few weeks of being with Bryan without the distraction of a child. I want to enjoy throwing myself into my job and serving my students. I want to give myself a crash course on being more selfless, loving, tender, patient, and kind. I want to look forward in great anticipation to meeting our son. I want to have time to really (and I mean, REALLY) think about our parental responsibilities.

Still waiting.

Dossier is on its way to Poland

Our agency received our dossier and sent it on its merry way to Poland.

I am not sure what happens next. Perhaps we will get an official notification that we're officially waiting. We do have to have six months between children, so we will not be getting any additional children until October.

Aberle, Party of...Three

Sometimes things don't really go like you planned. Or, if you're like me, things definitely don't go the way you planned, so you made plan B. And just when you got used to plan B, plan C appeared. And while you're trying to discover how you feel about Plan C, Plan D arrives on the scene.

I don't know which plan we're really on. I've lost count.

About two weeks ago, our adoption agency contacted us. "There's an almost two-year-old Polish boy available with some special needs. Are you interested in seeing his information?"

We were. This was not what we had planned. In some ways it was better. We would have him home in April or May. He was significantly younger than we'd thought. But we weren't sure he would have the best opportunities here, with us. Were we capable of being the parents he needed?

The same day we received videos of him (and what a sweetie! what a personality! I love him), we got a phone call from someone else. For the last five months, we were being considered to adopt a local infant. It fell through in December and we decided to move on.

Now, they were desperately looking for someone to take this child (not yet born, due in April). The people they'd originally selected were not working out.

But the problem was that if we said yes to one child, we had to say no to the other. We could not (were not allowed to) take both.

I find no words to describe how difficult and painful this decision was for us. For one thing, it made look at myself and my motives, my desires and my plans. I thought I had reconciled that the way I had wanted to build a family was not the way that God wanted to build our family. I thought I was trusting God to take care of it, but I realized that it hurt me very deeply that we were being asked to make a decision like this.

What kind of crazy world is this? I wondered. What IS the right thing to do? Bryan and I were not prepared for this emotional turmoil. We thought that we would be overjoyed (and a little scared) about seeing the information on our children for the first time. We thought it would be exciting.

It wasn't like that. I still struggle to name the source of this pain. I opened up an email this afternoon from a friend who has both adopted children and biological children. She said that there is physical travail in childbirth and emotional travail in adoption. While I haven't experienced childbirth, I imagine this anguish in our hearts in similar to the pain of that.

We don't have an amazing story that lend us to make our decision. We hope we're making the right one. All I can say is that we feel God's comfort and embrace. Last week, our hearts were anxious and overwhelmed. Today, we're still wondering exactly what the future holds, we still have a lot of decisions to make (and not a lot of time to make them), and we are nervous about being parents. (My word, how do people do this and survive?).

One of things I read this week was, if God is not Master of ALL, He is not Master AT ALL. And that is giving us strength to go on. Even though this is painful for us, and even though it seems like a big decision and even though we understand so little, it's not big at all compared to what others are going through.

So, yes, Lord willing, we will become a party of three in April. We opted for the infant (also a boy!). We feel like we let the Polish boy down, but I got an email this morning that there is a Polish couple interested in him. Yes, his agency preferred the US because they thought he would have more opportunities, but we're happy that he will have parents who love him.

Things could still fall through for the infant. It's a complicated situation that makes it more high-risk than some, but we will trust that if this boy is ours, it will all work out. We pray for his birthparents and we're grateful they have made this decision to entrust him to us.

Dossier in the mail!

We received our last piece of paperwork (with appropriate seal) today, so our dossier will be mailed off to Washington state and our adoption agency tomorrow.
The dossier will be translated into Polish and go into Poland soon. Then we officially begin waiting.
Are you wondering what a dossier is? What kind of paperwork is inside?
Well, if you are (oops! even if you aren't), here is a list:
Homestudy (includes information on family, our marriage and financial picture, juicy reading, selling copies for $25 each)
Background checks
A letter from our bank regarding our stellar checking account balance overdrafts omitted due to subtraction errors
Physician letters
Homestudy agency licenses
Birth Certificates
Marriage certificate
House deed
Tax return
Passport pictures (I hope no one looks at these; I can't imagine anyone approving us to be parents after looking at them)
Employment verification letters
Reference letters
And adoption training certificates

Whew. Lots of information. In one little big envelope. This envelope holds within its manila depths the culmination of 9 months of work. We never dreamed it would take this long, but we're glad it's done.

We have some major decisions to make that have ramifications either way, so our stress level is high. We are praying for wisdom. Soon, we'll share some of those things. In the meanwhile, let's take a humor break, shall we?

When I get stressed, I go into big picture mode. Bryan goes into detail-oriented mode. Here's what I mean (and I am totally NOT making this up): when we are having company, I do crazy things like, well, washing dishes, making sure all the dust bunnies are under the bed where they belong (not out in the open), and that the laundry is put away. Bryan can't get the dirty kitchen cabinet handles out of his mind. He scrubs them with a toothbrush. After that, he usually will clean a part of the house that company will not see (such as the basement laundry room or even the detached garage).

Folks, I am not complaining. I am grateful that he cleans. He does a really, really good job. In fact, he's downright amazing.

I believe this de-stress detour may have helped. Thanks for sharing this with us.