What you can expect when we get home (and how you can help)

The title of this post is misleading since we don't even know what to expect when we get home.   But here are some thoughts/explanations I've gleaned from adoption experts, other adoptive parents, books, and more.

First, in an ideal world, we would "cocoon" the kids for 2-3 months. This means we would strictly limit outside activities and slowly introduce them to friends and family. (Although, we aren't sure how we're going to handle this, since the kids will probably want to get out/my sister's wedding is coming up/I start back to work part-time for 7 weeks on June 10, etc.)

Because the children have had multiple caregivers, they may have difficulty attaching to us permanently. The first way to enhance attachment to parents is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with David and Roksana. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing.   I have no worries that David would let anyone else hug or kiss him. He thinks it's gross! But Roksana, if given a choice between our in-country coordinator or translator and me, will always give them hugs or try to hold their hands, instead of mine. This is not okay and does not promote attachment to us as her parents. It may be because they speak Polish, but it isn't good for a child to exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside their parents. If you don't understand this, I can give you more information (or google "attachment in adoption"), but this is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY important. So if they try to hug you or hold your hand, please direct them back to us. Eventually, once we can see they are securely attached to us, we can back off this rule.  For now, waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! 

Another area is we need to make sure David and Roksana's physical and emotional needs are only met by us for now. Since they are used to multiple caregivers, they need to realize that we are their parents, and WE will meet all their needs. Again, once we can see that they feel safe and secure, we can back off on this, too. So, if they ask you if they can do something or for a drink or something to eat, please redirect them back to us. Something like: "I understand you want a drink, but your mom is over there. Please go ask her." 

If you haven't experienced adoption, you may think we're neurotic! But please know that we desperately want our children to attach to us, to trust us, and to feel safe. With the research we have done, this is the best way to do it. If they don't attach to us (which does happen sometimes), it can be really terrible.

The kids have experienced loss and are experiencing loss now, even if they don't know or understand it. We really don't know how the final move to the US will affect them. Will they feel more secure (because it's permanent)? Or will they act out because they are in a new place? We don't know. They are excited to come to the US, but I don't think they realize how different everything will be for them. For one thing, both Bryan and I have been with them 24/7 which can't happen in the US. And there are many other differences, of course.

Even though we only had 3 months of parenting experience (foster care with easy-to-care for Baby J) before this, I can tell this is way different. Parenting these children has been like having an infant, a toddler, a preschooler, an elementary-aged child, an adolescent, and a smart teenager, all at the same time. Actually, having two at the same time! Eventually, I think they will act their chronological age. 

We have lots and lots and lots of things to work on. The most important things are intangible, like building trust and secure attachments, so most of our energy will be focused on that. We aren't superman/superwoman, so we can't do everything. This means that we won't be fighting some battles yet. For instance, Roxy doesn't like her hair combed and likes to create her own outfits that don't always match. Some days, I may want to conserve my energy for improving the big picture so I may let her out of the house wearing mismatched clothes. Eventually they will be nicely groomed, not eat ketchup with their fingers, or use a tissue, instead of their shirts, to wipe their noses. But first things first.

Lastly, Roxy responds best to soft-spoken people who allow her to say what she wants - and be okay if she doesn't say anything. When we've been around other kids, if they are really loud, she doesn't like it. She is in her little world a lot of times (probably due to her poor vision and a possible minor hearing loss). In fact, she'll probably run into you (literally!) at some point. I can't tell you how many people she's run into while we've been walking.

David, on the other hand, loves loud, boisterous, and crazy. He is a little shy when meeting new people, but warms up quickly. He prefers to play rough. For instance, he loves to come up to me and wrap his arm around my neck and hang his 90+ pound body on me. I see chiropractor appointments in my future!

Even though we don't know how things will go, we're ready to come home and start our real life together.