Aberle, Party of FIVE!

I have been wanting to write a post on Florida, but I'll make it quick: Long trip. Car broke down. Car got fixed. Weather good most of the time. Way home? Torture for all parties involved. David summed it up best when he said, "Next time, let's just drive one state away, okay?"

I wanted to write about how proud we were of them at our church Christmas program. As I watched them say their memorized verses perfectly, I found it hard to believe that they spoke just a few words of English eight months ago.

Lots of things I wanted to write, but I don't have much time. And I want to tell you about something else.

We're expecting a baby in June! 

Just to keep it short and sweet, I am making up some frequently asked questions, even if they're not frequently asked :).

Are the kids excited?

Remember I told you Roxy prayed for a sister? Well, a week or two ago, she complained that God hadn't answered her prayer yet. She was mostly excited although she was worried the baby's crying would keep her up at night.

David has not been excited at all. Since he (well, both of them) like kids, I am not worried about this long term. And I am sure they both will feel threatened at some point, but hopefully they will warm up to the idea eventually.

Are you going to find out what you're having?

We haven't decided.

The question you're too polite to ask...So did you, uh, use, you know, assistive reproductive technologies or fertility drugs? 

Nope. Nothing.

Were you surprised?

Yes and no. We were not surprised because we always believed this would happen. It's a cool story that I can tell you in person if you're interested. The timing did surprise me, although it seems to be miraculously perfect. Of course.

Is everything okay?

As far as my doctor can tell, everything looks completely normal. Of course, you never know, but things are lookin' good at the moment.

How are you feeling?

I am feeling fantastic at the moment. I had very little morning sickness, although I was grumpier than normal :). It's been very easy so far.

Do you want a boy or a girl?

I really don't care. I can see benefits to either one, mostly practical reasons, like who would share a room and of which gender do I have more clothes? But I could care less. Bryan does care a little bit. But I am sure he will like him/her no matter what.

It does make me think of Baby J. He was such a sweet, sweet baby. We still miss him.

How does this feeling compare to adopting David and Roxy?

We are really excited with this baby. It seems like such a privilege to be able to love this child from the very beginning...and such a privilege to be able to have the chance to carry a life. Many of my friends have not had the opportunity. Or they did have the opportunity, but their babies aren't here with us. And that could happen with us, too. As long as the baby lives and as long as I am living, I will be able to share memories with this child that we missed out on with our two other children. We are so grateful. Yet, I don't view this child as more mine than David and Roxy are. I don't view this child as a "reward" for adopting. Instead, we are so thankful to have the opportunity to be parents to three kids, no matter how they came to our family.

I am certain this baby will take after his Dad and be wild and crazy. He/she won't make it too easy for us and act like me ;0).

Already, I feel like I can sincerely say, "We have three kids. Two are adopted. But I forget which ones."

The biggest challenge

So it's been a long time since I've updated, but things have been moving along. Sometimes it's bumpier than others, but we just keep moving forward and I think we improving in general.

The biggest challenge

My sister asked me recently: "What's the biggest challenge about adoption?"

There have been many, but the one that has stuck around the longest and bothers me the most, is that the kids feel we aren't always trustworthy. Even after months and months of meeting their needs, being consistent, and daily assuring them that we will not lie to them or leave them, they still do not always believe it. I understand why this is a problem, but I don't know how long it will be an issue. Maybe forever? Even though I see security building in some ways, in others it's regressing.

This week, one of them said, "I know why you adopted us...so we could do all your work!" They are not a fan of their chores :). David also told us he is going to get married as soon as possible so we can't boss him around anymore.

Ohio

The first weekend in November, we took my Grandma and went to visit family in Ohio. First, I was pretty tense on the way out. I think I was worried that their friendly and not-so-friendly banter (quit touching me, stop pulling my seatbelt, give me that book!) was driving my Grandma batty. She deserves to ride in peace! I have no idea what she really thought, but she was calm throughout the trip.

The whole trip was sweet to me. It was my old place that I loved and didn't want to leave. I introduced them to family, I showed them my old house, and they made friends with my friends' children which was probably the sweetest of all.

On the first night, we had pizza with an old, old friend. This friend is a good one and we go back, way back. When I was walking around on the playground alone at recess in my shiny purple coat, I once looked at the swings and saw this bubbly, vivacious girl laughing and talking. I thought to myself, Wow, she has so many friends. I didn't mind walking around alone at recess. I liked to read books, so I didn't really care if I had friends or not. But I remember thinking she was so different than I was. And I thought she was pretty cool. Someone like her would never want to be my friend.

And then one day, we did became friends. From that day to today, she has been the friend who stuck by me (even when I was a jerk - and I was sometimes). She is the one I can always count on to cry with me when I cry and to laugh with me when I laugh. She has cheered me up more times than I could remember, once sending me a sunshine box in a particularly sad time in my life. She was there for my dad's funeral, for my wedding, and for an amazing crepe- and antique-filled weekend. Every time I see her, we can pick up where we left off. I have some really, really good friends. But I think she is the only friend (except for some special relatives) who loved me as much when I was unlovable.

This time, her husband was home and it was like I was transported back to 8th grade, when the three of us were really good friends. We laughed and laughed, just like we did back then. And it felt good.

It also felt good to watch her daughter play with mine. And her daughter wanted to give mine a special gift. I was overwhelmed as I watched her little 6-year-old girl be generous to mine. I knew where she got it: from her mother who had learned it from her mother, a special lady named Barb H.

So that was good.

Old friends who are still young. Right? Right?!

Her daughter and mine

David doesn't always smile or look at the camera, but I got him on this one!

Then we went to another old friend's home. With both friends, the time spent together is always too short and the time between visits is always too long. But every time we get together, it's like we've never been apart. I won't wax poetic on this one, only because I would say many of the same things. But it was so good to see my kids playing with hers immediately. Roxy even slept in their girls' room, the first time she had ever done that. (Makes me wish we had a sister for Roxy, but more on that in a second.)

Then we spent time with family. I knew David would enjoy my cousin's boys. Sure enough. He did. He said at one point, "Those boys are the same kind of crazy I am!"

Tomorrow, we have a 19 hour trip to Florida. So our Ohio trip was kind of a short test run. Anyway, on the way home, the kids were complete angels. In fact, I wasn't sure if someone made a kid swap and we had actually left the kids in Ohio! But they slept almost half the trip. When they were awake, they mostly just looked out the window. It was lovely.

You know what else is lovely? As I mentioned, things are getting better. When we were in Poland, our bedtime routine took somewhere around 2.5 hours. 2.5 hours!!! When we got home, we shaved off an hour, but we also had problems with getting them to relax enough to sleep. Our family doctor suggested melatonin and it.was.fantastic. I had bottles everywhere, so I never went without it. She told me that eventually the kids wouldn't need it anymore, but I have to say that I didn't really believe her. But you know what? Listen to your doctor. She was right. We stopped giving it to them regularly about a month ago. One child is really easy to get to bed now, but as recently as a couple of weeks ago, one child was still requiring about an hour to get a bath, read books, and fall asleep. If I left the room before the child was sleeping, well, cries would begin and wouldn't stop. Then I was thinking: Is the child feeling abandoned? Is this helping bonding? Should I really stay here until they fall asleep? 

So on the advice of my sister-in-law, I told the child, I will stay in here for 10 more minutes. Now I leave when the ten minutes are up. It's usually fine.

They are still usually up by 6 am. Even on Saturdays and Sundays. They don't always appreciate that Bryan and I might like to stay in bed past 6:01 on a Sunday morning. "It's 6:01," hisses a voice. "It's time to get up." And if the hissing won't make me get out of bed, the morning breath will.

Anyway, I was just about to institute an amendment to my previous policy (you can't come out of your room until 6:00) to say it must be 6:30 on weekends, when the kids decided that they liked sleep more than they thought. "I don't get it," said David. "I don't know why I like to sleep more now, but I do!"

I don't usually have problems getting them up for school, so I should be thankful for their early morningness. Just not on weekend mornings, thank you.

A random funny. I put on a jacket one day while I prepared to take the kids to school for the Friday morning assembly. "Mom?" said David. "Are you wearing that?" "Yes, I am." "Please don't wear it in the school. It looks...stupid." So I did what any parent would do: I wore and I wore it proud. Even when the gym got hot, I would not take off my jacket. Now why do I feel the need to embarrass my child?

Lisa is crazy

If you know about any of the challenges we faced through adoption, you will think I am crazy. Along with everyone else. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I thought it was time to start the adoption process again. We have done a lot of things wrong, and we're far from great parents, but I still felt I had a little love left to give a child or children. So I talked to Bryan about adopting again and I even showed him who I thought we should adopt.
Bryan: "Are you psycho?" Followed by, "Ever since I married you, you have made me uncomfortable!" Which I thought was a fantastic compliment!

That night, Roxy prayed for a sister who could sleep in her room and play with her. "Dear God, please bring me a sister from" - "Hey, mom, where from? Fairbury? Forrest? Poland?" - I thought it was cute. And it was funny when David prayed to not have any more siblings because he didn't want to share his toys.

Anyway, I was pretty confident that we should be moving forward with another adoption, when I talked to my caseworker. "I really don't think your kids are ready yet." And I was thinking, but it will take at least a year again. Surely Bryan and the kids will be ready in a year. 

But I was the only one who was really ready. And then I found out that my prospective children had found a new home. So we're back to enjoying our two kids and no plan to move forward. It's pretty difficult to see all the waiting children who come from our adoption agency, though. They usually have some special needs, and one boy just died a few weeks ago while waiting for a family. If that doesn't break your heart, I don't know what will. Life is hard sometimes.

School

School continues to go well. Roxy is reading a little bit and David's teacher said he should be totally at grade level by the end of the school year. He is also reading chapter books fairly easily. And their English is doing great. I haven't used Google Translate for weeks!

Hope for our future

An update!

We're still experiencing lots of firsts around here. As you can imagine, the first time we do things, the kids usually experience some anxiety because they don't know what to expect.

First non-family guests over for dinner - went well. The kids helped set the tables and clean the house the day before. They played well with the other kids (we had a little bit of obnoxiousness, but I think that was just anxiety-triggered).

First overnight trip My stepdad's father passed away, so we took a whirlwind trip to Iowa. The trip there was so-so, but the way home went very well. I learned that my definition of "lots of books and toys and snacks" is not the same as the kids.' I will change that for next time. I also learned that the back seat ain't big enough for the both of them :).

First church potluck. I am really strict about bedtimes, so we're usually the first ones to leave the party. The kids don't like that. They usually whine all the way home: "Why do we always have to leave before anyone else? You don't want us to have any fun!" Anyway, we were cleaning up after this particular potluck, so we were one of the last to leave and both kids were very tired. On the way home, we heard: "We stayed too long! We should have left earlier!" With parenting, you can't win.

Second overnight. Our 8th anniversary is today, so we celebrated last weekend by going away. While we were enjoying the peace and quiet that we experienced most of our previous years of marriage, Bryan said, "You know, I miss the noisy chaos of home."

School continues to go amazingly well. The kids are keeping up and doing well in most areas. They enjoy making friends. It's helping their English come along even faster. I haven't consulted Google Translate in weeks. While we still have some miscommunication, we're all less frustrated.

Horseback riding The kids enjoyed horseback riding and can't wait to go again.

A new swing set Through the generosity of friends and family, we were the recipients of a great swing set that the kids love. I like them to spend as much time outside as possible, so they've had a lot of fun swinging and performing tricks on the bars and rings.

David likes to make things. Here's his homemade bow and arrow.

First combine ride Yesterday, they rushed through their homework and after school chores so they could ride with Bryan in the combine. David decided that riding in the tractor was a little more fun than riding in the combine.

Funny story David usually says the first thing that comes to his mind which is not always tactful. We will work on that soon, but please don't be offended if it's directed at you :). Anyway, he LOVES our lunch at church and will consume as many calories as possible. So Bryan told my cousin to take away the tray of food when she was ready to clean up instead of waiting until David finished eating (because that could be awhile!). So she took the tray away eventually and he said, "Hey, lady, I'm hungry!"

No screaming here I didn't think I was a yeller, but kids seem to have amplified my voice. It's something I'm working on, not yelling at the kids. A few weeks ago, one of the kids and I were having a frustrating conversation. "I'm hungry!" "I know. You can eat this food." "But I'm so hungry. Please, can I eat?" "Yes, I said you can eat this." "Why don't you let me eat anything?" "Please eat this food." "But I am so hungry!" It was just as crazy it sounds. As the child started crying because I wouldn't let him/her eat the food that I said he/she could eat, I got really frustrated. I turned around, walked a few feet away and yelled at the wall, complete with hands thrown up in frustration. Then I turned back to the child who had snapped out of the misunderstanding rut we had been in. And they started eating. Anyway, my friend Kent mimicked me, and I snapped a picture. Since then, I've only yelled one word. If anyone else has yelling problems, just look at this picture of Kent to help you.

Both Bryan and I had a lot of fears associated with adoption. It would have been so much easier to keep our life as it was, but the day I got serious about adoption was the day I heard these words: "It's not about you."

So we decided to move forward. And if the kids didn't "turn out" or disrupted our pleasant life or hated our guts, well, so what? It wasn't about us, so we tried to focus as much as possible on the children. We were still scared, though, and through the following two years, we had some emotional stress that we didn't plan on. It was extremely challenging, and I was full of doubts about my ability to do this.

Then we met the kids. And things went okay for the first week, but it got challenging real fast. It was difficult for all of us, for many reasons. I mean there were days that I didn't think I could take anymore. I'm sure you can imagine. On this blog, I've tried to be as positive, but as candid as possible. I don't want anyone to think this is easy and jump in without understanding the challenges. But I also don't want to portray our children as anything but normal.

In the thick of things, I told myself many times: "You can't give up. You CANNOT give up on these kids. YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP." But I couldn't see any relief in sight...and I wasn't handling things the way I should have been. I understood why people I had talked to about adoption said they couldn't do it. I understood failed adoptions. I understood why adoption disrupted families.

My inner monologue was interesting. I'll spare you.

As difficult it has been, I wouldn't have made it any easier, because the things we're seeing now wouldn't be nearly as sweet.

I've started writing this part of the post several times. And I have to accept that I won't write it well enough.

Bryan and I are just ordinary people. We aren't the people we really want to be. We haven't done anything worthy of the redemption that we're experiencing. We're just...us. So we don't really deserve the priceless gift we have been given.

What is that gift? It was the fulfillment of our fears and the answer to our hopes: our children. Some of our fears with adoption have come true. If I would have known how difficult it really would have been, I would like to think that I still would have done it, but I am not sure. But we have been given something far greater than the sum of our fears.

I can't tell you how rewarding it's been to

• see the anxiety disappear when we're heading home, a place that our kids now view as a place of safety, security, and refuge
• know that they trust that we will not leave them
• see them blossom under love that's sometimes tough
• discipline them, but to hear them admit they know we love them no matter what (oops, I made this sound like I enjoy disciplining, which I don't, but I do appreciate that they know we love them)
• see their willingness to step out of their comfort zones
• see the application of their intelligence
• know that I am becoming a better person, because they help sand off my rough edges

Someday, when they're old enough to really comprehend, I want to talk about our beginning as a family and how all of us came together. We all brought our own hurts into our family relationship that were exacerbated by the stress of living together without a history. Those hurts influenced how we interacted with each other, not always in ways that were loving and good. And I will tell them that life isn't always easy (in fact, I would say it's never easy), but when you stick together, when you love each other - even when you don't feel like it -, you can weather the storm. Together. 

My fears nearly kept me from enjoying two of my life's greatest blessings (and frustrations - let's be real!) and almost certainly would have kept two lovely, talented, and inspiring children with lots of potential in an institution for the rest of their childhood. 

It's not about me? Actually, it was about me - giving me more than I deserved, that is - after all.

The End of Summer, the Beginning of School

I am not an exciting mother. I forgot how to play a long time ago, so when they ask me to play with them, I'm kind of clueless.

"Mom, can you play Legos with us?"

"Uh, what do I do?"

"Take this plane and fly to Florida. It's in the living room. Then you will need to get $2000 and give it me. The bank is in the kitchen."

I would like to be a fun mom and have all these plans of cool crafts and stuff but I don't. And I'm not. I would like to be more selfless and more willing to serve my family with grace and gentleness. I truly admire mothers who are like this. But it's not me. In fact, if mothering styles were pieces of clothing, I would be at the bottom of the laundry basket, the last resort, rumpled, stained, and maybe a few holes. It ain't pretty, but it gets the job done. Hopefully I improve with age and practice.

That's why I think this next story is funny.

This week, I ran out of clean plates. 20+ years ago, my mom served a normal, every day meal on her china. It made such an impression on me that I can still remember how the Betty Ford Chicken looked on the pale blue and pink china.

Out of plates? Why not improvise by making the meal special? So I dragged out cloth napkins, my Target fake china, good silverware, wine goblets, and my special carafe for water.

"What are you doing?!" the kids asked.

When Bryan got home, they dragged him to look at the table. "Mom's crazy! Look at this!"

Nothing like a little fake china, hot dogs and tator tots to create some memories :).

During the last couple of weeks, things kept getting more and more normal. David threw clean clothes down the laundry shoot, so he didn't have to put them away upstairs. Our house also has only baby toys, is boring, there aren't enough kids, I never let them do anything, and they never get to have any fun. Oh, and they're tired of me being their boss and want to eat more chips, even when dinnertime is just an hour away. Doesn't that sound refreshingly normal :)?

They had been getting more and more ready for school to start, even if they didn't know it. In fact, Monday, our last day to play at home all day long, was kind of painful. They were driving each other crazy, and me, too. In a desperate attempt to preserve my own sanity, I created a Treasure Hunt. It was also to see how much David could read, but please, let's keep that secret between us, okay? Anyway, it took me about an hour to write all the clues and hide them. I purposefully made them jump between all three floors of the house to make them really tired and take more time. At the end, they each had a little prize. It only took 15 minutes :(. Anyway, we survived the day and lived to start school on Wednesday. YAY!

School

Bryan and I are so impressed with the kids' school. We had a meeting last week with a largish group of people who seem really dedicated and interested in making the kids as successful/welcomed as possible.

We've been trying to prep the kids. "If you have to go to the bathroom, what do you do? If you don't understand something, what do you tell your teacher?" They picked their clothes out the night before school started. David even ironed his shirt! And they packed their own lunches. I am sure that's not going to last.

Wednesday was the big day. "Mom!" Hissed a loud voice at 5:07 am, "is it time to get up yet?"

"No, it isn't, David. Not unless you would like to start the laundry, cook breakfast, and set the table. No? Okay, go back to bed."

When I woke up Roxy, she said, "Mom, I'm scared."

Scared or anxious, they gamely got ready and put their brave faces on at some point, so by the time the bus came, neither appeared anxious or looked back. They did wave out the window. Roxy "flagged" the bus down, which I thought was cute. They think it's crazy that they don't have to pay any money to ride the bus.

Two brave kids waiting for the bus.

I don't want to sound like a whiner, so I'll just say it's been a "challenging" summer. Because of that, I may or may not have been (okay, I was) counting down the days until school started...even though I know that time goes by so quickly and you blink and they're driving to school and they don't even take time to tell you that you're boring anymore or that there is nothing to do, because they're so outta here and who wants to be home at all anyway? 

I fully expected to put them on the bus and kick my heels together as I ran back to the house to drink coffee and read my Bible with nothing but excitement for my house that will stay cleaner, the dishwasher that will be empty, the silence. Oh, the beautiful silence. But there was a tiny, tiny piece of my heart that ached a little for my kids to go to a new school where they didn't know many people and don't speak the language super well. It wasn't sadness that the kids would be away from me, but the fact that they were scared and anxious and the best thing was for them to find out that being scared and anxious shouldn't hold you back from testing your wings.

Aaaaaaahhhhh. Peace and quiet.

And did it ever work out. I ate lunch with the kids and they were doing fine. Their teachers said everything was good. Later I found out that David say "Happy Birthday" to a classmate in Polish. When the bus dropped them off, they ran with open arms and backpacks trailing and I could see the excitement on their faces. They faced their fears - and WON!

I heard David talking to the kittens: "Me school today. Had very much fun. I'll be there tomorrow too." He said there wasn't anything he didn't like and that his teacher is good and they read a book called David goes to school. And his teacher emailed me later and said he interacted really well with everyone and kept up with no problems. Roxy's face lit up every time she talked about it. Her teacher said she smiled a lot in the classroom. Roxy was a big fan of the Smart Board. Oh, and me? I did enjoy a quiet day and I look forward to more like it :).

Then the next morning, the principal called me and said that David had led the morning announcements over the intercom. It was probably my proudest moment so far as a parent. When he came home, he acted like it wasn't a big deal.

Discipline

I read or heard that kids who are old enough can pick up your disciplining style in 3 months. I had decided to try to simplify our bedtime routine, so I was no longer going to crawl into Roxy's bed until she fell asleep. She didn't like that.

She narrowed her eyes, held up one index finger, and said very firmly. "Get. Into. Bed. NOOOOOOW." She had to repeat herself several times because I wasn't obeying. With each time, her voice got slower and more enunciated. Finally, she said, "You can get into bed, or you can go take a nap." A nap?! Yes! I wonder where she learned these techniques.

Questions and Misc.

The questions are still flying around here.

"Why do moose live in Canada?"

"Because they don't live in Florida."

"Why?"

"They can't stand flamingos."

"Why?"

"Because they're pink." And then I stop being a smart alec, but only because I am running out of answers. I've also fielded questions on Pearl Harbor, geology, science, religion, and many other subjects. My answers probably just confirm that I don't know very much.

First overnight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All four of us were fighting over the "Who is the most excited for the kids to stay overnight at Grandma's" title. I'm not sure who won the prize, but it went amazingly well. And we're all excited to repeat it :).

My old suitcase when I went to Grandma's. Love sentimental things like that.

Medical Stuff

After more medical appointments than I care to count, we're done for probably about a year. Everything is looking better than we could hope for. Grateful and thankful for that!

New friend

There is a Polish woman who lives close to us and we met her last week. She was wonderful and kind and just like all the other down-to-earth people we met in Poland. She said she is willing to help out with the kids however needed and is planning to give me some recipe ideas. Just one more thing that I am so grateful for.

Another meeting

Today we had an extra meeting with our caseworker to make sure things were going okay. It went really well, and she said the kids seem to be doing fabulously, all things considered. There are some very positive indicators that long-term, we're going to be a healthy family.

Adoption support group

We also attended our first adoption support group. The kids, as always, were nervous to try something new, but ended up having a great time. We worked on games that built connection and attachment. On the way home, David said, "Wow, some of those kids are crazy!" He was right, some of the kids were really active :). My kids aren't perfect, but at least I am starting to understand them a little and know how to handle them sometimes. I'm grateful for them.

This is one of the games we played. Who's your mummy?

End of Summer

This summer has been absolutely crazy, but in a different way. This summer, even though my life felt very full and very stressful (which, frankly, isn't any different from all the other summers in the last decade and a half), I've slowed down. I've spent more time outside, played in a sandbox, walked along country roads dotted with Queen Anne's Lace and oozing tar, riding bikes, playing hide-and-go-seek, checking out locusts and all the other critters the kids are interested in. This week, David found a raccoon skull, for instance. Or playing Tarzan in the haymow. Hopefully next summer will be more normal and less stressful.

Car showers

Well, hello there. It's been awhile. Two weeks, actually.

The journey of adoption (and probably with all parenting) is sometimes three steps forward and two steps back. Or two steps forward and three steps back.

In many ways, earlier this week, it felt like we were moving backward. I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, that the big picture is good, even if the days are very frustrating. While I long to have more patience and experience fewer frustrating moments, it's not coming easily. Is patience a muscle that can be developed? Because if so, I should have very big patience muscles soon.

Language
One area of frustration is the language barrier. It's so much less of a barrier than it was, so why do I get more frustrated? I think because they have enough language to finally ask question after question about their environment. However, the questions are difficult to answer with as little mutual language as we have. I try to answer their questions but it's hard.
Why do horses like apples?
They taste good? I don't know.
Why do monkeys like bananas?
I don't know, maybe they are deficient in potassium?
What's potassium?
Why does Chicago have big (lots of) people?
Because. I never wanted to say "because" as an answer.
Is that a man or a woman? (upon seeing a man with long hair)
A man.
No, that's not a man. Must be a mix.
No, really, he's a man. And Shhhh!.

Maybe I will count how many questions I receive in one hour sometime. It's a lot. But I am glad they ask. They are interested in their environment, in people, in each state (big or small, lots of people or not, do they have cities or not, do they have this animal or not, etc. You get the idea), in jobs people have, if this or that is expensive and how many "bucks" it is.

They were so excited to get "Triple Foam Polish" when we went through the car wash the other day. At first, I couldn't understand why they were so excited.  They love the car wash. The other day one of them said, "Can we give the car a shower today, Mom?"

I realize how crazy the English language must sound to them. "No! Please don't put flowers in our pancakes!" They can't hear the difference between thirty and forty, etc. When we met them, David had a more extensive English vocabulary while Roxy knew some numbers and colors. Now I think her comprehension is greater than his, though she doesn't always choose to talk.

Misc
My last day as a full time person was this week. I am relieved to have survived the semester, but sad to see it end. It was a fulfilling chapter in my life, and that doesn't even begin to describe it. I love those students of mine.

Our two apple trees produced enough apples to make lots of applesauce this year. First time.

Bryan captured a swarm of bees. First time.

Lots of prep work paid off with two very well-behaved kids at the dentist. We'll see how the cavity filling goes. Yikes!

Roxy made it through Sunday School without me last week for the first time.

The kids were introduced to Gene's Ice Cream.

Her hair also met the wrong end of a nest of cockleburrs. She has less hair now than she used to.

Food
The kids wanted to make a meal they often ate at the institution. Heat up some milk. Tear a piece of bread into small pieces, add a spoonful of sugar and cover it all with the warm milk. I was forced to try it and, you know, it was actually pretty good. We also made cold beet salad (mine was not as good as what we had in Poland. It was my favorite thing we had in Poland. Beet Salad. Weird, right?) and Cauliflower soup.

A friend from work gave us a Polish cookbook. The kids were so excited to thumb through and look at different recipes. Our first recipe was Gołąbki, cabbage rolls fills with ground beef, caramelized onions, and rice with a tomato-butter sauce. I decided that we would donate a Polish meal to our local Nursing Home's benefit dinner this fall. So if you would like a dinner for 8, served by 2 cute Polish-Americans, buy it!

Discovering that they liked soggy things, I decided to introduce them to my all-time favorite snack, the snack which Bryan claims he can't watch anyone eat or else he throws up...Graham crackers and milk! They loved it. I knew they were smart. Bryan can't believe he is so outnumbered by the graham cracker crowd.

They are eating better, though David still doesn't like eating pork, and sometimes other meat, too. He refused to each peaches, until I bribed (I didn't want to bribe my kids either!) him the other day to try them. He ate five today. I think he likes them. They aren't snacking as often which is nice. They used to open the fridge so often that we shut the air conditioning off in the kitchen. Just kidding.

School stuff

Since April, I've been in phone conversations with the principal of their elementary school. We finally took a tour of the school this week...and I am so excited, because it seems like such a sweet little school! I am looking forward to seeing them learn, hoping to watch them blossom, and just see how this next change affects them.

David is apprehensive, but we'll go back at least twice before school actually starts. Roxy is excited and asks often when "Bus School" starts.

Roxy learned to tie her shoes. I showed her once, I talked her through it once, and the third time, she waved me away. "Don't tell me, just watch." She had it. Amazing.

The final word

In the span of 10 minutes recently, 10 different people asked how we were doing, and I think I gave 10 different answers. It's been a long 100+ days, so I am not articulate. I can't verbalize all the different facets of adoption..how you can look at the same picture every day and see all the different pieces that create your family. Challenging. Sleep depriving. Tear inducing. Frustrating. Humbling. Encouraging. Inspiring.

After a rough day, Bryan said, "You know we're making progress, don't you?"

And we are. In every single way that I can think of, the kids are demonstrating a healthy attachment, their anxiety seems to be dialing down, and they seem to feel secure enough to continue to share their memories with us. While we can still remember what it was like to clean the house and have it stay cleaned, or to have a quiet meal where we actually carried on a conversation, or have the lights on in only the rooms we were in, our house now? Well, that's just us. We are a family.

In the middle of a frustrating day, David was looking for a missing Lego and I was looking for my purse. In no time, we found both. "Small problems," I said.  "In this family," David said, "we have small problems. That's very good."

With his comment, the light broke through my frustration. Maybe we really are making progress! 

It's hard to feel the progress. But tonight I finally downloaded our Poland trip pictures to my computer. As I looked through the pictures, I recalled details of our first meeting, the hours we spent together, the first night they stayed with us, the day Aberle, Party of 4 became official.

We didn't know each other well then. Now I know their expressions, their likes and dislikes, sometimes I can predict how they will react to things. We are developing our own family inside jokes. But most of all, even though we have a long way to go, we're learning to love each other in the way we need to be loved.

Happy birthday, Roxy!

Thursday, Roxy turned 6. For days she had been counting down to her birthday. When it finally arrived, she was excited. I had all these dreams of creating fun birthday traditions, but unfortunately, months ago, I had scheduled an important meeting on the night of her birthday. So, we had to adjust. Bryan stayed home with them while I worked in the morning. Then they picked me up at work in the early afternoon so we could enjoy the Children's Discovery Museum, ice cream (both generously given to us by my second year students), back to work for the meeting, and then out for pizza. Bryan is very good at giving flowers, so Roxy got a special delivery of flowers and balloons. She was also excited to get a card - with a kitten on it! - from my aunt.

I taught her, ...You live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you act like one, too. She thought it was funny when I sang it, but did not like David singing it. So we had to sing the regular version.

Saturday, my family got together, so I thought it would be a good time to celebrate Roxy's birthday. I made a cake. And it was a sorry excuse for a cake, if I have ever seen one. I thought about putting it on Pinterest, just to see what would happen (and to make other people feel good about themselves). But she was excited about it anyway and gobbled up 3 pieces through the day.

Friday, Bryan and I took the evening off. For the first time since April 18, someone else put the kids to bed. Since it went so well, I think we'll do it again. Anyway, during our quiet time, we were able to have some uninterrupted conversations, including one of the following.

One of us frequently annoys the other. I - I mean, the person who annoys the other - asked Bryan (oops, I mean the person who gets annoyed) whether I was annoying him as often as I used to. 

"No," he said, "you don't have time to annoy me. Actually," he continued, sounding disappointed, "I don't even have time to get offended. I probably won't be able to find time to be offended until they're 18."

If you don't know us that well, you probably won't think that conversation is as funny as I do. I thought it was hysterical.

The kids have been heard speaking in English to each other, which is something that hasn't happened before.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that we babysat Baby J for a few hours this week. It was so good to see him, even if he cried when I took him from his dad :(. The kids did really well with him, too, and asked when we could watch him again.

Cat and Mouse

If there is anything more boring than reading one of my blog posts, it's reading a blog post without pictures...again. Uploading pictures is low on my priority list right now, so pictureless blog posts are probably a fact of life for awhile.

How about a recap?

Thursday, last. Roxy slammed the door so hard that it broke. They were stuck outside; I was stuck inside. The front door wouldn't open either, so I let them come in and out through the window until Bryan got home and rescued us.

Sunday. I think this was the day that the kids called me out to the garage to look at a mouse that was sitting on the garage steps. You know I love the kids if I actually looked at a rodent on purpose. I did look and gave a grimace-smile and walked away, my brain vaguely registering something I heard about "spray." When I went back to the garage a few minutes later, there was green spray paint on the steps with a mouse-shape in natural wood showing through the John Deere green. Mouse stencil. Nice. I later found out they also spray painted the lawnmower.

Monday. It was the kind of day that, if we had a dog, it would have died or at least run away. As it was, the microwave door refused to open (two sticks of butter are still inside). I went all "Laura Ingalls Wilder" and melted the butter in a pan on a stovetop. The waffle iron limped along, but didn't quite finish the batch, in rebellion to its near-daily use, I am sure. And we had to wash some extra bedding (two beds' worth, if you know what I mean). Oh, and Bryan's truck isn't working. I woke up at 4:30, and David woke up at 5:30. And since someone got up on the wrong side of the bed, our morning started off with some fireworks due to something that had happened the night before.

And you know what? The day just kept getting better. Really. I spent some one-on-one time with David. I got to see a glimpse of his heart and his willingness to forgive, even when he was hurt by what he doesn't understand. And I got to see generous people in action. And see my kids developing relationships with their cousins. It was good.

This week, the kids got two kittens. David's black cat is named Tiger Socks Aberle. Roxy's orange cat is named Kitty Tiger Socks Aberle. Sometimes the names change, but Tiger is always the black cat. That makes me laugh. They love those cats. They build houses for them, feed them, haul them around, and want us to adore them just as much as they do. Bryan doesn't like cats, so it's really funny when David hands Tiger Socks off to Bryan and demands that Bryan cuddle the cat.

Wednesday. We spent most of the day at the hospital for some tests. I don't have all the results, but I'm not expecting anything crazy. Both kids did so well.

The rest of the week was a blur.

Thanks to some sweet people, I finally feel like my house is kind of organized. That makes things seem more manageable. And it feels like such progress.

But I have so much more progress to share with you. Our kids rarely cry when they are physically hurt. Even when they are hurt, they usually don't come to us. Last night, there was a bike collision, and David fared the worst. I was in the house and Roxy came in. "Mom? Come. David bike." I went out to see David crying over skinned palms and a skinned knee. Most kids would have cried over that. But he burned his finger pretty badly a few weeks ago and didn't cry at all. It felt like such progress that 1) he cried and 2) they decided needed a parent to comfort them.

When we first got home, the kids wouldn't sleep well if we weren't upstairs, too. That meant an early bedtime for us or a late bedtime for them. Now they must feel safer, because we usually have no problems getting them to bed. We still have to sneak down in the morning and usually don't make it. David is awake before 6 almost every morning. Because I am concerned he is not getting enough sleep, we have a new rule: He is supposed to stay in his room until 6 am. He has books and Legos and can play quietly while the rest of us enjoy some quiet time/sleep. We will see how that works. I have to be careful to explain rules when they are in a good, understanding mood.

Food is slightly better, too. They will still eat a quart of yogurt every day if I let them, but they are less compulsive. The first day, one of them drank a half gallon of milk. They don't ask for a snack constantly or ask me to eat at a restaurant every day. I am also discovering more of what they like (cauliflower! beets!). There are still things that I don't understand about why they will or will not eat something, but it's better.

The first week or two or three was a flurry of discovery for them. They bounced from toy to toy, inside to outside. I had to lock the cars, otherwise they would sit in the cars, honking and setting off the car alarm. I had whiplash from trying to keep up. We're playing a boardgame, NO! Let's go up in the haymow. Books, read books! Car. HONK! HONK! I'm hungry, yogurt! All in 15 minutes or so. Now they are content to play with their kittens and ride their bikes most of the day. Everything is starting to calm down. For the most part. Or maybe I'm just getting used to chaos.

They're also doing a good job of keeping their bedrooms clean and following house rules, like not wearing shoes in the house and clearing their dishes from the table.

Here are some funny things I actually remember:

David: "Why does London have a girl king?"
David: When making grilled cheese sandwiched, "Big (lots of) butter is good."
Roxy: "How many days Happy Birthday to you?" which means how many days until her birthday. She asks every day, but it's getting really close!
David: when hearing that we think we have skunks living under our garage, "Me look at skunks. If they spray me, I will take a shower."
Roxy: "Cats no like showers." How does she know?!
I also hear "me smart" on a regular basis from both of them

They got a letter from their Polish auntie and some of their friends this week. David had been feeling like his friends forgot about him, so he was overjoyed to get the letter. And I may have teared up a little when I read the letter from a boy, the one David talks about the most, because he signed it, "From your best friend."  Bryan and I can do our best, but we can't change the facts. And that facts are that these kids have lost some important things. No matter what we can give them, we can't replace some things.

Home for one month

Now that we've been home for one month, I've had time to reflect on our time in Poland and compare it here. Poland was challenging because we didn't speak the language, it was very "intense" parenting, and we were still getting to know each other.

Well, we're still getting to know each other. Even though we have some relief and speak the language here, we still have to deal with intense parenting...along with all our other responsibilities. When I think about what things were at the beginning, we have come a long way.

How is it going? We hear that often. I usually say that things are going well considering how much has changed. But it's still challenging. There are days when I can't remember if I showered. I rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep, I stay up late almost every night, and I'm usually up early. We're still building trust. Several times each day, David asks me to repeat something I said. "Are you telling me the truth? Are you really?" That is something I didn't expect...I never doubted my parents told me the truth. It also feels strange to me that other parents can communicate to their children in the same language without doing charades or using Google Translate.

It is exhausting, but we're settling into a routine, of sorts. When we were first home, I felt that I had to be with them for every minute they were awake (they had no judgment of safety or anything else). Now I stay in the house sometimes and can watch them through the window for a few minutes.
Things usually go much better when I play with them for several hours a day. They can entertain themselves, but not for long.

We went to the doctor last week for a routine, welcome-to-the-country visit. The kids had to have lots of blood drawn to check for the usual orphanage culprits plus some shots. Roxy was not a fan. She had to be held down and when it was over, she gently kicked anyone who came close to her. We have some followup testing/appointments, but everything seems to be okay. We also took Roxy to an opthalmologist today. She was born with her eye lenses in the wrong place, so she has never been able to see well. They told us that she would have been blind if the lenses were lower in her eye, so we are really grateful that she can see as well as she does. Actually, they said her eyes were quite healthy-looking which made us happy. She needs a weaker prescription for her glasses which should help her lazy eye, too. Next week we have more appointments, but hopefully they're easy!

Our social worker also came over this week to do our 30 day check. We have to do three more annual visits and then I think we're all done. Anyway, everything was fine.

Life is busy and full and more exciting than it ever was before :).

Polish-English-isms

We took the kids to church on Sunday. David is so much more social and said that he didn't want Bryan to come with him to Sunday School next Sunday. Roxy, on the other hand, didn't make all the way through. We'll try again next Sunday.

Today, I went to work while Bryan watched them. He lit a candle and came in later to find the candle out, with wispy smoke drifting to the ceiling. "No fire house," said David, seriously. Bryan looked in the candle and found a raw egg - a raw EGG! inside. We take fire prevention seriously around here.

The sheep arrived back home at 6:30 am on Monday. I knew they arrived when David rushed back in the house: "SHEEP! SHEEP!" They spent most of the day in the barn, watching the sheep.

They are learning more English. The other day, I lawfully passed someone. When I crossed into the other lane, David said, "Mama, NO!"

"Just a second," Roxy said the other day. She also says "oops" or "oopsie" a lot.

But the funniest thing is when Bryan suddenly disappeared from the dinner table recently.

"Where is Dad?" David said in Polish. 

"I don't know." (In English.)

"Say (in Polish), "Honey, where are you? (in English)" In case you didn't get that, I must say, "Honey, where are you?" a lot.

They also wear "flip flap flops" sometimes.

The next week will be busy. We have some doctors' appointments and our caseworker is coming for our 30 day report vist.

Routines and games

I think the wedding weekend went well. The kids, especially Roxy, didn't really want to talk to anyone, but they were comfortable enough to run around without us. I hope that's a good sign. Part of me thinks they should be a little apprehensive, because that would show more connection. But I don't know. 

We did have to take a break on Saturday and stay home. I've noticed that things go much better when they have enough sleep and eat more nutritious meals. Makes sense, right?

I think things are improving a lot. Part of it definitely has to do with finally getting over jet leg and settling into a routine. Kind of. Still a lot of work to do there, but we're making progress. We have moments where America gets a literal thumbs down, and they want to go back to Poland. And the parents get a thumbs down, too, sometimes, but since it's usually because I won't let them eat unlimited ice cream or go to Dairy Queen every day, I think that's okay. We're working on a lot of things, even if the kids don't know it :).

One of the kids' favorite games is "Bus." Using sidewalk chalk, they drew bus stops at various points along the driveway. They will "pick" me up at various locations. While they ride their bikes, I walk behind them. Then they drop me off at a different bus stop. Did I mention these bus rides are expensive? Sometimes I have to pay up to $7 dollars. (Fortunately, I can use fake money. Whew!)

I think I forgot to mention that Roxy taught herself to ride a bike since she's been home. And she loves it!

They also like to play "gotcha" which means they ride their bikes and I chase them. On foot. Don't they know how old I am? Needless to say, I never catch them unless I am very, very sneaky. 

They like driving with the windows down, until we drive past yet another pig building. "Ew! Pigs!" They yell as they quickly roll up the windows. 

They both keep asking when we're going to get our sheep back and said that they will each have their own. And Roxy cuddles cats whenever she can. We probably should get some more animals again soon.

Settled in at home - one week.

I am writing this post, one paragraph at a time. So if you think it seems choppy, it is! Sometimes I get just one paragraph in every other day.

When Bryan went back to work, the kids asked me every hour when he was coming home. When his truck pulled into the drive, the kids chased the truck. "Tata! Tata!" And when he got out of the truck, they both gave him hugs.

"Do you feel loved?" I said.

"Yes." He smiled. "I do."

Sunday afternoon, we took the kids for a drive. We showed them their school, grandparents' houses, some of their aunts and uncles' houses, church, and went to Dairy Queen. Roxy responded particularly well to one of her aunts. I think it may have had something to do with chocolate/peanut butter buckeyes, but I am not sure :).

I thought they did pretty well. It was nice to get out of the house.

Unfortunately, David does not require a lot of sleep. I had great hopes of getting things done early in the morning before they woke up. One morning, I went downstairs at 5 am to get ready for my eagerly awaited quiet time. And about five minutes later, I heard little feet coming down the stairs. Seriously?! He doesn't sleep much, but I know he is tired. We're trying to figure out where all the creaks are on the stairs so we don't wake him.

A few days later, I took the kids out again for a short time. They did well again.

I've been trying to play with the kids as much as possible. So our days are filled with bike rides, board games, hide-and-go-seek, and eating.

They like to go to both grandparents' homes. Bryan's mom and dad have a Great Pyrenees. So they request to go see Grandpa's beeeeg dog often.

Since coming home, we've used more bandaids, eaten more cheese, and washed more clothes. The kids are discovering everything about their environment which means the water hydrant, car alarm, microwave, and every other electronic gadget in the house are inspected multiple times. I follow them around everywhere, because they think of many things to do that I can't even imagine.

I think the kids are doing well, considering they have been taken away from everything they have ever known. However, that does not mean that it's not without challenges. We are trying to figure out a routine, clarify our expectations to the kids, make a schedule, and find places for all their things.

We are planning to attend my sister's wedding this weekend. Maybe we will see you there!

Welcome to the USA!

I had a couple of requests to update the blog for a while after we're home, so here is an update.

On our last night in Poland, we were stopped by a police officer for jaywalking. While we were crossing the street in the wrong place, I was thinking of the story I'd heard from another adoptive family about getting stopped for jaywalking, and then when we reached the other side, a friendly police officer was waiting for us. An ironic twist.

He started talking and gesturing and I kept asking if he knew English. He gave up very quickly. Lesson: when in Poland, only cross the street in approved areas :). Oh, and not speaking the language is helpful a few times.

The kids were awake before five the next morning, though I talked them into sleeping for another hour. We finished packing, cleaned a little, then hit one last recommended place to grab a bit to eat, a little doughnut shop.

Then our incountry coordinator was there to pick us up at 9:30. We went over her invoice for her services. Then we were on our way to the airport. On the way there, her car started acting crazy. Bryan diagnosed an alternator problem. We hit every red light on the way to the airport as more and more warning signals showed up on her dashboard. Bryan and I didn't say anything, but we were both tense. Would we make it in time?

We did. Then we got in the wrong line at the airport (the one that didn't move), so we were afraid we would miss our flight. Finally, some guy yelled, "Hey, who's going to Chicago?" We jumped ahead in line, grateful to have made our flight. By the time we got to our gate, we had to wait about 20 minutes.

Once we got on the plane, I leaned over to Bryan and said (for the third time), "We made it." The kids didn't sleep at all on the plane, and other than using the facilities every hour, they did a great job. 

We landed, went through customs, collected our luggage, and took our precious folder with all the kids' info to the agent. (The envelopes were sealed and we were warned by four people NOT to open the envelopes. If you open them, you can't leave the airport and must go back to the other country. Which would be really annoying.) Once he processed the paperwork, the kids became US citizens. They will retain dual citizenship. And the US embassy lady suggested that, if we travel back to Poland before the kids turn 18, they should travel on Polish passports.

Then we waited for the grandmas to pick us up. On the way home, both kids fell asleep. And Roxy would sleep for 13 straight hours.

When we got home, David woke up, walked around for a bit, before falling back asleep.

Bryan and I tried to keep ourselves awake until 8:30 (3:30 am Polish time). I slept 4 hours. And David was up by 3 am. He was hungry, of course.

It was really fun to give the kids a tour of their house and the land. It's really different from what they're used to...not a McDonald's in sight! It melted my heart to see and hear the sound of children - our children - at our house.

Our house is a total disaster. I am trying to figure out where to put all their toys and how to organize their clothes. I'll also clean the floors...when I find them. 

They've been playing outside. Swinging from the rope in the hayloft, using our reel lawnmower, spraying each other with water (Roxy is on her 5th outfit already today), running through the grass, and playing with toys. 

We were told that there could be a honeymoon period of good behavior, followed by some crazy things. But they seem to be doing fine for now. We've had a few visitors. They are very shy at first (this is good!), especially with adults. 

We're trying to take it slow, but it appears that things are going to go reasonably well.

Last update from Poland

Saturday, we walked around Old Town. I like it.

During WWII, many of the buildings were destroyed. They have a display with pre-war pictures, pictures taken during/after the war, and you can compare it to the buildings today. They tried to rebuild Old Town as much as possible. I wanted to read more about it, but the kids were ready to move on.

We saw one of Frederic Chopin's homes, the Royal Castle, lots of monuments, and we found a park with great fountains.

We also ate at a good Polish restaurant for lunch. Then we took a horse-drawn carriage tour.

We walked home and by the end, David was complaining that his feet hurt. AND we ran the last two blocks in a torrential downpour.

Sunday, we had a late breakfast as E. Wedel's. They are well known for their hot chocolate. I must say, it was fabulous, especially the white hot chocolate. Then we went to a great park (Park Lazienka) which was absolutely beautiful and peaceful. We listened to a Frederic Chopin piano concert.

Then we fed carp, pigeons, and tried to feed the peacocks, but they weren't interested. We walked around more and then we bought gofry (a waffle with fruit and cream on it). Then we went to Old Town for a little bit before we came home.

Monday, we had our embassy interview. It was super easy. We filled out some paperwork, then waited for an hour or so to meet with the official. She was from Naperville! It took just a few minutes.

On our way back to the car, we stopped at a pastry shop and had babeczka, delicious shortbread filled with yellow curd-like stuff.

I wanted the kids to have something special from Poland, so we stopped at a Polish pottery store. I am not sure David will appreciate a Polish pottery bowl, but maybe his wife will someday!

Tuesday, we went to Old Town again. We went to the Fountain Park again. The kids got thoroughly drenched in the fountains. They kept saying, "That was super duper!" So I am glad that we let them do it. We ate bigos again. I have to figure out how to make that at home.

Then, we went to the US embassy and picked up the kids' visas. Oh, and I ate another babeczka.

Step 1 - get passport/visa pictures taken of kids. DONE!

Step 2 - pick up the official court decree on May 31 May 29. Kids will be entered into the passport system. DONE!

Step 3 - pick up passports on June 3 May 31. Travel to Warsaw. DONE!

Step 4 - Medical appointments (scheduled for 3 pm on May 31). DONE!
Step 5 - Embassy interview (10 am June 3). DONE!

Step 6 - pick up Visas (3 pm on June 4). DONE!

AND TADA!

Step 7 - Fly home! JUNE 5!!!!!!!!!
 (tickets are for June 7, but if we can go earlier, don't have to pay too much to switch, have a direct flight, and can get seats close together, we might. We'll definitely have to see on that one).

I don't know if/when I will update the blog again. But I want to thank you for following along on our journey. It was challenging and beautiful and painful and joyful and bittersweet and an adventure.

We are thankful to have our two lovely children, and we are thankful to be coming home.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What you can expect when we get home (and how you can help)

The title of this post is misleading since we don't even know what to expect when we get home.   But here are some thoughts/explanations I've gleaned from adoption experts, other adoptive parents, books, and more.

First, in an ideal world, we would "cocoon" the kids for 2-3 months. This means we would strictly limit outside activities and slowly introduce them to friends and family. (Although, we aren't sure how we're going to handle this, since the kids will probably want to get out/my sister's wedding is coming up/I start back to work part-time for 7 weeks on June 10, etc.)

Because the children have had multiple caregivers, they may have difficulty attaching to us permanently. The first way to enhance attachment to parents is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with David and Roksana. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing.   I have no worries that David would let anyone else hug or kiss him. He thinks it's gross! But Roksana, if given a choice between our in-country coordinator or translator and me, will always give them hugs or try to hold their hands, instead of mine. This is not okay and does not promote attachment to us as her parents. It may be because they speak Polish, but it isn't good for a child to exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside their parents. If you don't understand this, I can give you more information (or google "attachment in adoption"), but this is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY important. So if they try to hug you or hold your hand, please direct them back to us. Eventually, once we can see they are securely attached to us, we can back off this rule.  For now, waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! 

Another area is we need to make sure David and Roksana's physical and emotional needs are only met by us for now. Since they are used to multiple caregivers, they need to realize that we are their parents, and WE will meet all their needs. Again, once we can see that they feel safe and secure, we can back off on this, too. So, if they ask you if they can do something or for a drink or something to eat, please redirect them back to us. Something like: "I understand you want a drink, but your mom is over there. Please go ask her." 

If you haven't experienced adoption, you may think we're neurotic! But please know that we desperately want our children to attach to us, to trust us, and to feel safe. With the research we have done, this is the best way to do it. If they don't attach to us (which does happen sometimes), it can be really terrible.

The kids have experienced loss and are experiencing loss now, even if they don't know or understand it. We really don't know how the final move to the US will affect them. Will they feel more secure (because it's permanent)? Or will they act out because they are in a new place? We don't know. They are excited to come to the US, but I don't think they realize how different everything will be for them. For one thing, both Bryan and I have been with them 24/7 which can't happen in the US. And there are many other differences, of course.

Even though we only had 3 months of parenting experience (foster care with easy-to-care for Baby J) before this, I can tell this is way different. Parenting these children has been like having an infant, a toddler, a preschooler, an elementary-aged child, an adolescent, and a smart teenager, all at the same time. Actually, having two at the same time! Eventually, I think they will act their chronological age. 

We have lots and lots and lots of things to work on. The most important things are intangible, like building trust and secure attachments, so most of our energy will be focused on that. We aren't superman/superwoman, so we can't do everything. This means that we won't be fighting some battles yet. For instance, Roxy doesn't like her hair combed and likes to create her own outfits that don't always match. Some days, I may want to conserve my energy for improving the big picture so I may let her out of the house wearing mismatched clothes. Eventually they will be nicely groomed, not eat ketchup with their fingers, or use a tissue, instead of their shirts, to wipe their noses. But first things first.

Lastly, Roxy responds best to soft-spoken people who allow her to say what she wants - and be okay if she doesn't say anything. When we've been around other kids, if they are really loud, she doesn't like it. She is in her little world a lot of times (probably due to her poor vision and a possible minor hearing loss). In fact, she'll probably run into you (literally!) at some point. I can't tell you how many people she's run into while we've been walking.

David, on the other hand, loves loud, boisterous, and crazy. He is a little shy when meeting new people, but warms up quickly. He prefers to play rough. For instance, he loves to come up to me and wrap his arm around my neck and hang his 90+ pound body on me. I see chiropractor appointments in my future!

Even though we don't know how things will go, we're ready to come home and start our real life together. 

Third stop: Warsaw!

The third stop on our trip is Warsaw - and that's where we are today. Can you guess what the fourth stop is? It starts with "H" and ends with "ome."

It's been a long day, so a short post and no pictures.

Our morning started early. David was so excited that we are one step closer to America. We finished packing, ate breakfast, did last minute cleaning and were ready for our last apartment inspection at 6:45 am. Uneventful! 

We made it to the passport office at 8 am and - viola! - the kids had passport numbers in the system. We had some paperwork to sign and needed to return by 10 am to pick up the kids' temporary passports with their new names. In the meantime, we stopped by the Adoption Center and personally thanked the director who had been so helpful. We made it back to the Passport office and they let us move ahead in line to get our passports.

So we got our passports...and we waited for our translator who had some final documents for us. And we waited. Turns out she caught an error and had to fix it, so we were on the road an hour later than we had planned. Which meant were would get in to Warsaw about 45 minutes after our medical appointments. But once again, they were nice enough to accommodate us. So...here is what our progress looks like now:

Step 1 - get passport/visa pictures taken of kids. DONE!

Step 2 - pick up the official court decree on May 31 May 29. Kids will be entered into the passport system. DONE!

Step 3 - pick up passports on June 3 May 31. Travel to Warsaw. DONE!

Step 4 - Medical appointments (scheduled for 3 pm on May 31). DONE!
Step 5 - Embassy interview (10 am June 3)

Step 6 - pick up Visas (3 pm on June 4)

Step 7 - Fly home! (tickets are for June 7, but if we can go earlier, don't have to pay too much to switch, have a direct flight, and can get seats close together, we might. We'll definitely have to see on that one).

We are so, so, so close. 

We saw our new apartment (not as nice, but who cares) and then met our adoption coordinator's family in Old Town Warsaw. We ate at a great place. The kids and I had bigos (delicious!). We're looking forward to spending a few days here. We're looking even more forward to coming home.

Tying up loose ends

Step 1 - get passport/visa pictures taken of kids. DONE!

Step 2 - pick up the official court decree on May 31 May 29. Kids will be entered into the passport system. DONE!

Step 3 - pick up passports on June 3 May 31. Travel to Warsaw.

Step 4 - Medical appointments (scheduled for 3 pm on May 31)
Step 5 - Embassy interview (June 3?)

Step 6 - pick up Visas (June 4?)

Step 7 - Fly home! (tickets are for June 7, but if we can go earlier, don't have to pay too much to switch, have a direct flight, and can get seats close together, we might. We'll definitely have to see on that one).

Yesterday, we made our final trip to Family Park, the indoor run-around until-you're-sweating place.  And one final trip to Pizza Mario. And one final trip to McDonalds. I hope. Oh, I hope.

This morning, we walked to the institution for the last time. They needed a copy of some paperwork and we needed to sign some things. Then the woman they call Aunt Monika gave them a scrapbook full of pictures of them and a sweet note. David's special friend was there to say goodbye to him and so were many of the other people. I got tears in my eyes as I hugged Monika. You can tell she (and the rest of the people at the orphanage) love the children. I can't say enough good things about how good the orphanage was. It's very well-run and the kids are taken care of by people who love them. Kids belong in families, but I think it's better than most.

Anyway, as we walked away, the doorway was filled with people waving. The kids are so excited to come to America that I don't think they have really thought about the people they will be leaving. It does make me sad for them, the things they have lost.

We came home and started packing. Have I mentioned we're ready to come home? We've been pretend packing for a couple of days, but we really started in earnest today. Since the institution gave the children so many clothes and toys, we will have to buy more suitcases to get everything home. We're testing to see if we can get away with one or two suitcases.

While we were packing, G was taking care of paperwork. She and the head of the Adoption Center had to beg the people to get the paperwork done at 1 pm today. If they didn't, we wouldn't get the passports until Monday. But the lady kindly relented so we can still leave on Friday.

After the paperwork was properly filed, we took the kids to get passport photos. We'll pick the photos up later today, along with one final trip to our favorite restaurant. Then we will push the kids' bedtime back a little bit so we can have cake at our translator's flat tonight.

Tomorrow is a(nother) holiday. We have no plans other than to finish packing and clean up the apartment. Oh, and do one final load of laundry.

And Friday, we meet with our landlady at 7 am (!). Since Roxy doesn't usually wake up until 6:30, it will be interesting. Obviously, we must be ready to go early. After we meet with the landlady, we will pick up the passports, then head to Warsaw. Hopefully we make it to Warsaw in time to make our 3 pm medical appointments for the kids.

Spending the last few days in this city...

We're trying to survive our last few days here. Since we've done most everything the city has to offer at least once, our days have been filled with grocery-shopping, eating at our three restaurants (I have eaten at McDonald's way, waaaaay too much), playing the same board game over and over, endless games of hide and seek (yes, in this small apartment), and going to the park. Obviously this doesn't fill up an entire day, so the kids have been doing such things as learning to iron and right now they are entertaining themselves by scrubbing the kitchen floor. Six days to go.

Since our landlady smacked us with an increased fee due to our water usage, we have been trying to conserve water. We had been doing one load of laundry a day (small washer, remember?). But since we're on a self-imposed water ban, we've been trying to skip a day. Today is our day to do laundry and it's raining. However, since we don't have a dryer and we're running out of clothes, looks like we have to do what we have to do.

We're also almost out of food, so we had to get lots of groceries. On foot. Almost a mile one way. Two umbrellas. Four people. I haven't missed our car much...until today.

I'm in the middle of writing a letter to each child. We plan to mail them from this city and give them to them when they turn 18 (or at least when they're a little bit older). I thought they might like a personalized letter from the place they were born.

I also heard "HUNGRY, HUNGRY!" again this morning. And I did the same thing I did last time. I pretended to be asleep! (Congratulations to those of you who guessed correctly; I will teach you some Polish when I get back home.)

Subtle progress

Day to day, it's hard to see any progress. Are the kids really attaching to us? Are they learning more English? Are they respecting us as the authority figures? Do they like us?

The other day, we were out with our translator who also happened to be present when we met our kids for the first time. During our recent outing, she said, "I just want to cry when I think about how things have changed since the kids met you for the first time. Now they easily call you mom and dad, they hug you or hold your hands, they clearly feel comfortable."

It makes me curious what our friends and family will see when they observe our family after we get back home.

And just today I realized that I haven't been using Google Translate as much. The kids are learning more English, but I think we have just learned to communicate better without it. Roksana adds in a lot of actions when she talks which I think is quite funny. 

We have a long way to go, but we're trekking along.

Funny story of the day. I mentioned last week or so that Roxy lost her first tooth, so I gave her 2 zloty for it. My parents did the whole Tooth Fairy thing sometimes, so I thought I would give her money also. (Of course, she swallowed her tooth, but anyway.) Well, later I saw David trying to wiggle some of his permanent teeth. "If I lose some of these teeth, I think each one should be worth at least 10 zloty since they aren't baby teeth!"

How can you argue with that logic? He doesn't know we are going to be dumping some serious cash into his mouth without counting dentures. Hopefully he will leave all his teeth intact and try to earn money other ways.

Best news I've heard in awhile

I know I haven't mentioned very often how challenging this has been. But it's been tricky to keep two older children entertained for days on end. It could be worse. We could be stuck in a village somewhere, even though this city doesn't have tons and tons of stuff to do. Challenges, challenges. Let me first say that I am so very grateful that we weren't here in the winter. Being with the kids sooner definitely would have had advantages, but I can't imagine trying to corral the energy when we could not do outdoor activities. So that is great news, even though I didn't realize it until months later.

In the course of living in this apartment, we've broken a few things. Some of them weren't our fault (the pizza cutter and towel bar fell apart with the touch of a finger). Others, like the glasses and lampshade, were. Our poor landlady is ready to have a heart attack.

Along with the list of items to be replaced, she also said that we're using too much water, so we'll be charged for that, too. Suffice it to say, Bryan and I are ready to leave this place. The longer we stay, the greater opportunity for stuff to be broken. And that makes us less patient with the kids. We get uptight when they play like kids. We're anxious because our landlady is.

We're trying to stay outside as much as possible, but still, June 3 (our day to leave this city) couldn't come fast enough. In fact, I was near tears several times yesterday, because of the apartment and 12 loooooong days stretching as far as the eye could see.

And then. Our adoption agency person called this morning. "I have good news! I think you are going to be able to leave for Warsaw on May 31 instead of June 3."

The spring in my step was immediate. Only 9 more days here instead of 12? I never knew three days could make such a difference. I don't know if we will actually get home sooner or not, but all I care about right now is that we get out of this apartment as soon as possible! And Warsaw will have different things to do.

EDIT: We have 16 days left in Poland, unless it works out to leave earlier (which I am not sure if it will). The way I wrote the above paragraph made it sound like we were coming home in 9 days. But we only get to leave this apartment in 9 days.

What this all means is that you may want to kid-proof your house before you invite us over :). We're still friends, aren't we?