And we're waiting again.

We're still waiting on the official Polish paperwork, although being a holiday week, I have a feeling we would be waiting on Poland or the US. Hopefully we will get the paperwork within a week. And we're still hoping to fly over there in the month that starts with "F"...for family.

I know you, my friends and family, are probably wondering what your role will be (or wondering if there are things you should and shouldn't say?). Since we don't really know how this is all going to go, I don't know what to say exactly. But I've been reading a lot and asking other people and so I have a few things. (Most of this is directed to me more than anyone else.)

1. Lower my expectations. I want my children to be kind, compassionate, to love and honor God, and to be humble. But when I was talking to another adoptive mother, she said, "If I could change one thing, I would not expect so much from them. I mean, I just thought that my children would go to college and it doesn't look like one of my sons will go. I need to let go of my expectations." And a book I read described a study of internationally adopted children. They found the children who did the best (emotionally, etc.) were the ones who were born to average families, ones who didn't require them to have high profile jobs or career; they could be themselves and were given time to bloom.

I want to love my children for who they are, without expecting them to be something else. That whatever they become, it's okay. I will love them no matter what. Of course, I want them to be good people, just not high achievers if they aren't.

Anyway, just expect them to make social faux pas (wait, are they my biological children after all?) and take some time, years even, to catch up.

2. Be humble. Along with having low expectations, I need to be prepared to feel like an inadequate parent. In many ways, my children will be older than their years; in others, they will be behind socially and academically. They won't "get" some things. And I need to be prepared that I may be judged based on that.

The statistic is that for every one month the child spends in an institution, they lose three months of development. Obviously, that means a child may go backward. We don't know much about where our children have spent their time, but I think it's better than some places.

3. I don't know what to call this. My children aren't really "lucky" to have us (I mean, have you seen or talked to us?)  but I suppose we're better than aging out of a system and having nobody. But in order to get us, they had to have experienced loss already. A child who has lost his or her first set of parents isn't really lucky, right?

And I don't want them to feel like a charity case. I don't want them to think we're just doing this to look good, or that we're only doing it for God, or that we felt so bad about all the orphans that we had to make a difference. We want to love them, plain and simple.

Frankly, I am a little nervous about this. Well-meaning people telling them that they're so lucky to have parents. You know, there are so many other kids who never get adopted. But what if they just want their biological parents and think we're weird? Because, ahem, I may have thought my own fabulous parents were weird, once upon a time. And I didn't realize how amazing they were until a few years after the eye rolls, hair flips, and groundings. Uh, not that we're amazing or anything. You know what I mean.

4. How much did they cost? Actually, the children didn't cost a dime. And they should have because they're priceless. Anyway, I probably won't get upset about this one, but again, I don't want the kids to feel expensive or that they caused us hardship or something.

By the way, if you want to know how much the fees were, you can find out easily by doing a Google search. And if you want to know so you can adopt also, well, I will gladly help you out. Just ask me privately.

5. Cocooning. When we get home, we'll probably stay close to home for awhile. We need to get to know each other as a family, plus our kids need to understand that we're the ones to depend on for their needs. As odd as it may seem, attaching to us may be really challenging and they shouldn't have other caregivers until they begin to trust us.

6. We need a break! Cocooning or not, this is going to be really challenging for us, so we may need some sanity time. We'll ask our friends and family for an hour here and there to babysit, if needed. Have no fear, we'll do as much as we can by ourselves, but we know healthy, destressed parents will do a better job.

Wow, I intended to just update everyone on our wait, but I went a little overboard. I trust I am not alone when I look forward to leaving behind the heavy stuff and be able to write posts that say, "We arrived in Poland!," "we met the munchkins," "Pierogies are delicicious,"and "Warsaw in March is...um...really cold!"

Poland approval!

Update the Paperwork Process
Step one - Physicals -  DONE!
Step two - State of IL approval - DONE!
Step three - USCIS approval - DONE!
Step four - Poland approval - DONE!
Step five - USCIS approval
Step six - wait 30 days before we can travel
Step seven - meet our children!

I found out that we were approved by Poland today. They are legalizing the paperwork and will be emailing it as soon as it's done.

Once we receive it, we will do more paperwork and send it off to USCIS. We should get approval from them approximately 3 weeks later, though we don't know what the Christmas/New Year's holidays will do.

Getting closer!

How adoption has changed me

Although I have always been interested in adoption, we seriously started the process because we wanted a family. We envisioned our life with just the two of us and it felt...flat. No children to share life's joys and sorrows, no grandchildren. Even though I enjoy our life together and we're thankful, we wanted a family. (I know not everyone has this adoption option, so I am not trying to hurt anyone; just sharing our thoughts.)

Not only would we have a family, we could offer a home to children who wouldn't have had one. Sounds like a win-win to me.

But then my eyes and heart were opened. And, just like that, the plight of the orphan changed my life.

I think I've cried at least once a day for the last month. Even before that, my thoughts about adoption went something like this: I want to! I can't! I don't want to! I should want to! I can do this! I can't! Someone else would be better! What if there is no one else? Help me, God!

If you want to find the statistics, you can find them easily. They are really, really ugly. So ugly that I am ashamed that it took us this long to do this. Here's one: 90% of the girls who leave Russian orphanages at age 16 end up as prostitutes. 

But on the other hand, I read books about adoption. How, even as an infant, a child mourns the loss of his/her mother. They know the voice that carried them. It gets even worse as the child gets older. For every cry that isn't answered, every new caregiver change, each month without nurturing, their brain actually changes. Normal situations seem scary and another loss is just around the corner to them. They don't know how to emotionally react to normal situations.

The adoptive parents have their work cut out for them. It's not enough to love the child and provide a consistent, safe environment. They have to help the child learn how respond appropriately, to form their identity even with all the changes and loss they've already experienced, and to attach to their new family.

It's scary. 

I can understand why more people don't adopt or do foster care. It's disruptive. It must be so hard to be a parent anyway, without the added challenges. Someone else, with more discipline, stamina, perseverance, would be better at this.

Someone else would be better, but someone else is not here.

Our agency has a blog in which they post pictures or videos of waiting children. Often, these children have special medical needs or they're getting close to aging out of the system. In other words, it's hard to find a family for them.

I watched this video and cried. Then I tried telling Bryan about it and I cried again. And I'm crying again as I write this. It pierces my heart.

And that's why this has been a life-changing experience. We're walking into this with our eyes as wide open as they can be with our rose-colored glasses ripped off. No matter how imperfect our childhood was, we were given a precious gift. I didn't deserve that gift more than the boy in the video or our two children. Yet I have been given so much...and I didn't even know how much I had.

Anyway, despite how scared I must sound (and we are!), we really are excited to meet and love our children. Even though we don't feel capable AT ALL, we will do our best.

My sister has this quote at her house: There's no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one.

Hopefully we will be able to be good parents in the ways that truly matter.

Update is in the mail!

My trip to Springfield was less painful than last. I fed $.75 into the meter and sailed into the office. Just a very minor hiccup this time which means I should have no problems next time I go. I know where it is, I know the process and I know what I'm supposed to do. Yes, unfortunately there is at least one more "next time." But, hey, we can deal with that.

After visiting the Secretary of State, I marched into the closest Post Office facility I could find, only to discover they don't do packages. So instead, I practiced my Polish all the way to a familiar post office and requested Express mail again. This time, they could not guarantee delivery until Friday afternoon. I hope it gets there tomorrow, because every day counts. Christmas is going to delay things a bit, so the sooner, the better.

According to our agency, we should get the official referral within two weeks. While we wait, I will start the next wave of paperwork so it's ready to send off to USCIS as soon as possible. 

What all this means is that, barring any other paperwork delays, it seems like we'll be flying in February. I've suppressed my excitement for months, but we can see the end. And that's really exciting to us, so we may be annoying to be around :)!

USCIS approval!

We got our USCIS approval letter today! Giddy was the right word to describe me as I flipped through the mail, past the Christmas cards and catalogs to find a plump envelope from the USCIS. I immediately planned a visit to the Secretary of State's office tomorrow for another apostilling adventure. (I will take 4 quarters this time to spare myself a trip to McDonald's, if you remember last time.)

I was a bit deflated, however, when I found that I needed letters from our physician, instead of just our physical forms...which means I immediately called our doctor's office, leaving a message that we would love to have those letters ASAP. So, I am not sure when they will get done. But you better believe that as soon as I get them in my hands, I'll be burning rubber on the way to Springfield.

As soon as everything has the (literal) seal of approval, I will send it off to our agency. I am really not sure how long Step 4 will take. The entity responsible for our children must meet to formally approve us, and we don't know when they will meet again. 

Assuming they approve us, we will get a huge amount of paperwork and that will process our last (maybe) USCIS approval.

I say "maybe" because we are on a time crunch. If we don't get back to the US with our kids by 3/21/13, we need to apply for an extension from the USCIS.

Today is encouraging, so we're thankful for progress.

Update the Paperwork Process
Step one - Physicals -  DONE!
Step two - State of IL approval - DONE!
Step three - USCIS approval - DONE!
Step four - Poland approval
Step five - USCIS approval
Step six - wait 30 days before we can travel
Step seven - meet our children!

Happy Birthday!

Today, one of our children has a birthday. Of course, several weeks ago, we thought we would be celebrating there.  But we're here, and they're there.

Because we don't have an official referral, we can't send any gifts yet. And when we can send gifts, well, we probably won't go crazy. We have no idea what they have experienced as far as gifts, so we want to be conservative and not overwhelm them.

We got a letter from USCIS saying that they have received our packet. We're hoping to receive the official letter by the end of next week.

We've heard that Poland is really cold, but we have been checking this weather and it's always been very similar to ours.

Hope my next update is more exciting :).

Thankful for...

...One week down for our USCIS approval, hopefully just two to go

...friends who help us handle our wait by giving us chocolate (Mint Meltaways - yum!)

...being this far in our adoption journey

State of Illinois approval

I was so excited to get an email today that our State of Illinois approval letter was in. I picked it up and would have mailed everything off to USCIS, except no mail today :(.

So I will mail it off tomorrow. Then we expect to wait about three weeks for USCIS approval. Once we have that approval, I get to visit the Secretary of State's office for another apostilling adventure. THEN it goes to Poland.


Update the Paperwork Process
Step one - Physicals -  DONE!
Step two - State of IL approval - DONE!
Step three - USCIS approval
Step four - Poland approval
Step five - USCIS approval
Step six - wait 30 days before we can travel
Step seven - meet our children!

Still waiting (but the Thin Mints are gone)

Last time, it took the State of Illinois ten days to approve our homestudy. So a renewal? Less than that, right?

Today marks 15 days. Ugh! When I mapped out all the steps, based on my estimations of how long each would take, I thought we might be leaving in early February, Now I'm not so sure.

I really hope we get our state approval this week!

The Weighting Game

Someone left a nice little package of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies for us. I can't thank anyone for them (or for the other part of the package), because there was no name on the package. But we appreciate them very much.

Why Girl Scout cookies? Well, let's just say that when stress hits, some people start munching.

We are still waiting for the State of Illinois approval. Last week, I got an email that our approval was ready. Then I received a "recall" email. The email had been sent to the wrong people!

I have the envelope addressed and ready to go. One piece of paper needed to complete step two.

Physical done

As of today, Bryan and I have both had new physicals. They have been emailed to our home study agency. The home study will (I hope, oh I hope) be sent to the State of Illinois tomorrow.

Last time, the State took 10 days to approve us. I hope it's the same or shorter this time. Surely it will be shorter if it's just an update, right?

I'm working on our USCIS paperwork now, so we can send that paperwork on as soon as we get State of Illinois approval back.

Update the Paperwork Process
Step one - Physicals -  DONE!
Step two - State of IL approval
Step three - USCIS approval
Step four - Poland approval
Step five - USCIS approval
Step six - wait 30 days before we can travel
Step seven - meet our children!

Bumpety Bump

We hit a speed bump.

We were supposed to be officially approved by an entity in Poland yesterday. It didn't happen, because our dossier doesn't match up with the children's ages, plus our physicals are over a year old, plus they didn't like our background check documentation.

To fix everything (which we had to do anyway; we just weren't planning to do it before the referral was issued), we need to renew and update everything. Each step is dependent on the step before it, so we're looking at a long(er) time. Maybe we will leave by the end of the year, but I think early next year is more likely.

This is frustrating, but I have only to look at the events that rocked our area a few days ago to realize it's not that big of a deal.

This extra time will allow us to do more research, practice more Polish, have time to purge the house to make room...

and move into Bryan's closet :).

Quick update

I reviewed the updated copy of our homestudy today.

I also need to do some research/make some phone calls on acclimating them into public school, how we're going to communicate with them, make Dr.'s appointments, finish the photobooks, find out what size clothes we need, and more!

Bryan and I have had separate closets for months now...which has suited both of us quite well. Now I'm going to be moving into his, so he's had a few edicts for me to follow:

"I will not tolerate a mass of shoes on the floor!"
"Everything must be neatly hung up, no craziness!"

And I think it's kind of funny. He is really not looking forward to it. I probably need to slim down my clothes, so they can actually fit in his closet.

Other than that, we're just waiting on the packet from Poland (which probably won't be here until next week). Until that comes, we can't really do anything else as far as the paperwork goes. And we won't know when we're traveling for another week or two.

No travel dates yet...

You'll forgive the lack of witty titles, won't you?

My mind is thinking about other things.

We don't know much more. We met with our caseworker today. She has to update our home study, then send it to the state of Illinois.

In the meantime, we're waiting for a package from Poland to be sent to our agency. Once they receive that, we can submit our USCIS (federal) forms.

Other than that, most of my work will be figuring out how to deal with the language barrier, talking to the school about ESL issues, and scheduling doctors' appointments.

Yesterday, I scheduled a doctor's appointment for our daughter. It's not until we get back, of course, but talk about a surreal moment!

I expect that we will get our travel dates next week, but I'm not really sure. Today, our agency said they "hoped" we would be home by Christmas. If that's true, we will probably be leaving sooner than I thought.

I also asked our agency if the children knew they were being adopted. She wasn't sure, but said they would know soon if they didn't already.

She suggested that I create photobooks to be sent over, so they could start getting used to what their life will look like.

I can't even imagine how scary this will be for them, but within a year or two, I hope we (and they) will be adjusted.

Aberle, Party of Four!

On August 30, I opened yet another email from our agency.

"What do you think of these children?" the email said.

They were cute, but older than we had planned. We asked for more information, including videos of them.

Then we waited.

And waited some more.

Finally, on September 25 (which happens to be our 7th anniversary <3), we saw videos of the children. Up to that point, we (just being honest) weren't thrilled. It's really scary to think about becoming instant parents of children who might have a few problems, who don't speak your language, who will probably always need a  little extra help with school, and so on.

We're very aware of the risks of adopting older children, and we've tried to think of everything we would have to deal with. We have talked to other parents who have adopted older children, we had their records evaluated by experts, but we know there will be challenges we haven't even thought of.

Starting when we saw the videos and continuing over the next few days, though, those children became our children.

So, today, we said yes.

The next few weeks will be a flurry of activity, as we prepare our paperwork to get them. Though we aren't sure of the actual date we will be leaving, we think we will be leaving in 8 weeks (I'll update that when I know). We also haven't decided whether we will stay in Poland for 5-6 weeks and then bring them home...or if we will go over there for two weeks, home for two weeks, and then go back for two weeks to get them.

We can't post any identifying information, so if you want to see pictures, or know their names or ages, you will have to ask us in person.

In any event, we are so thankful to have a son and a daughter, even though they are thousands of miles away from us. Please pray for us, that we may have the wisdom and the patience to give them what they need.

Enjoying Baby J as we wait...

In early August, our agency emailed us pictures of a Polish sibling group who was out of our parameters in two ways. While overwhelmed at first, we told our agency we were interested in at least considering this family. Our agency responded that there were actually three families interested in this family, so the Polish authorities would decide who would get the referral.

We waited a few weeks and, finally, last Monday our agency responded that the referral would be given to another family. We were disappointed, but know that the Polish authorities made their decision in the best interests of the children.

On the same day, another family was united with their daughter.

One of my favorite craft bloggers posted about the day they met their daughter, and she shared a picture of her husband holding their new, sleeping daughter (they suspect this is the first time that she was ever held as she went to sleep).

As I looked at this picture of a man holding a little girl, halfway across the world, evidence of tears lining his cheeks, I got impatient to meet our own child/ren.

By Wednesday, I was really missing Baby J so I contacted his dad to see if we could watch him again soon.  I ended up picking him up on Thursday and we just took him back this afternoon.

It was so great to have him. People ask if it's hard to have him for a little while and then take him back.  Obviously, we would prefer to have him all the time, but we know his dad doesn't have to ever let us see him, so we feel so grateful to get the chance to be a part of his life, if only for a few days here and there.

Maybe it won't be good for him to spend time with us as time goes on, but right now, we'll take him as often as we can. Which might be quite often. His dad asked us today if we would be interested in watching him some weekends while he works. So if you're a local, you may be seeing more of him.

We spent yesterday evening at our cousins' house and he happily entertained himself all evening. He is such a cute (and growing) little sweetheart.

The Unexpected Gift

The last few weeks have been both harder and easier than I expected.  Most days are good; some aren't.

Grief is like that.  You get used to a new normal, and life goes on.  Then, just when you think it's going okay, you see a picture of him with his birthfather and your heart literally hurts.

The first night we went to bed without him, our lives and home felt so empty.  As I struggled to get to sleep, I remembered the song, "He's got the whole world in His hands..." And my mind created a picture of God's huge hands that can hold Baby J wherever he is.

We went to see him five days after he went to live with his father.  On the way home, a rainbow was visible for a long time.  We both felt that God was whispering to us, "I'm going to make this good."

God's gentleness felt so real.  Not that we will get him back necessarily (and as time goes on, it looks very unlikely), but that God loves him, and He loves us, and He has it all under control.

I've had to repeat those words to myself many times, but I always (eventually) end up trusting that it will be okay.

On Saturday, Baby J's birthfather called and asked if we could keep him overnight.  We said, "Yes!" without any hesitation, though we both recalled the very painful day when we lost him. Would it be that day all over again?

Having him for a little over 24 hours was a precious gift.  To know how precious it was, think of it this way: If you lost a loved one, and you never expected to see them again here on this earth, wouldn't 24 hours with them be incredible? Baby J is still living, so maybe it isn't really the same, but it still felt so good to have him back in our home and in our arms.  He's never left our hearts, of course.

He seems happy and healthy which also made me feel better.  I think his father is doing the best job he can do under that circumstances. So, no, I don't think we'll get him back. And do we want that? (Yes! Yes, we do on one hand, but...). Is it better for Baby J to grow up with his father? You know what? We don't really know.  And I think that's one of the things God's been trying to teach us, that we don't really know everything, so we need to trust him with a capital T.

When we handed him back over to his father, it was okay. I was okay. But three days later, I am missing him again.

We don't know when (or if) we will see him again.  His father doesn't have to let us see him, so we appreciate what he has done so far.  We offered to babysit once a month, but we don't know if he'll want that.

Once a month...he will change so fast between times. We'll miss so much.

And we miss him so much.

But we're so glad we said yes to having him in our home, even if it was only for  a little while, and even if it hurts.

86 days

Court did not go as we planned today.

When I picked him up on our way home, fear squeezed my heart. All afternoon, we took turns holding him.

We prayed. I read the Bible. As I opened the pages, I breathed, "Lord, whisper sweet peace to me."


Philippians (my favorite book), Chapter 4. Selected verses:

4 - Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice
6 - Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God
7 - And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus
11 - Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content
13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me
19 - But my God shall supply all your need, according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus
20 - Now unto God and our Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.


As I looked at his sleeping, sweet face, I thought, If we have to give him up in a couple of days, how will we do that?

Then, our caseworker called. Baby J would have to leave tonight. In one hour.

The minutes were precious. I kissed him over and over. Bryan held him as I gathered some clothes and necessities. I took him back again.

And then he was gone.

Baby J's father and his father's family are so happy to have him. I don't blame them. He is a very special little boy. They had been hurting like we hurt now.

Yes, there is a very small chance we could get him back. But it may be only temporary. So our prayer is this: that God could heal our hearts; that God would give Baby J's father the wisdom and love to raise him well; and that Baby J will somehow remember those prayers whispered in his ear and someday serve our Savior.

86 days. Long enough to fall in love. Long enough to hurt on the 87th day.

Progress (of some kind)

We are, at last, moving forward. We received test results last week, so Baby J spent some time with his birthfather today. Next week, we have court again. There probably will be nothing new, though we are hoping that the scheduled hearing actually takes place (last time, the hearing was cancelled).

We still have no idea what will happen. Our caseworker told us to pray that whatever happens is the best thing for Baby J.

He is such a blessing to us (smiling, laughing, oozing cuteness, sleeping through the night, cuddling, etc.). We feel so grateful to have the opportunity to take care of him.

I will try to post an Internet-appropriate vague response after court next week.

He has filled our lives with sunshine!

Eight weeks ago today, around this time, I walked into a hospital and held Baby J for the first time.

I held him because I wanted closure and to move on.

That day, things didn't go as we expected and the following 48 hours were some of the longest and hardest and most emotional Bryan and I have experienced.

And then we brought him home. 

Our life that we thought was full overflowed.

We thought our life was rich, but it turns out it was stale and tasteless compared to what we have now.

"Couple" was a nice word until it was replaced with "family."

I don't mean to paint an idealistic picture. Despite my best efforts to be intentional about every moment with him, when exhaustion or selfishness sets in, I have been frustrated. But not often. Instead, we bask in the joy he has brought us. I love seeing Bryan in his new role as a father, and we enjoy the newness and innocence (and cuteness!) of Baby J.

After eight weeks, I:

• still don't have "baby wipe economy" down. We use as many wipes as necessary, but I freely admit I'm jealous of the mothers who can deftly clean up a mess with two wipes. Two!
• realize we can do a lot more with two arms than we thought
• don't need as much sleep as we thought (though I believe God helps us do more with less)
• found that I no longer have two hours to clean the house...but I have two minutes to clean the toilet. And then I will have two more minutes later to throw a load of laundry in

In so many ways, our lives have changed. And I would say, all for the better.

We still don't know what the end of the Baby J book will be, but we like the chapter we're on.

In Poland news, well, there is no news. As I mentioned before, we'll probably have to wait until October at least.

Tuesday was our first day in court about Baby J. Things did and did not progress. If that doesn't make sense (and how could it?!), ask us what happened. I don't want to post it on the blog.

Things are going so well. Baby J is gaining weight, he continues to be a very good baby, and  we love him! Getting to have him was a very difficult process, but when we look back, every tear, frustration and stress was worth it.

I'll end with one funny story.  When we started talking about having an infant, Bryan was concerned. "Lis, you're such a deep sleeper. There is no way you'll hear the baby, and I am such a light sleeper, I'll wake up all the time."

Although I didn't see anything wrong with that scenario, this is what really happens.

Bryan, yawning, "So, did Baby J have a good night? How many times did he get up?"

Yep, that's what I thought. Bryan doesn't hear him at all, and I awake at the slightest wimper. Someone told me that, once I had children, I would probably never get a good nights sleep again. I'm glad I enjoyed all of them up to this point!

A cookbook winner!

Thanks to winner selection help from random.org, the cookbook winner is...

Karla Z.!

Thanks, everyone, for submitting your special food memories, and I will get that cookbook to you soon, Karla.

If you didn't win, but you still want one, contact me or Shara.

Happy Mother's Day

For the past few months, my sister, Shara, (with the help of her mother and sisters) has been putting together a cookbook. Last night, I got my copy and early this morning (since Baby J didn't want to sleep after 2 am), I put the dividers in and read through it. It was bittersweet. Bittersweet because it brought back many pleasant memories of our life as a family as we shared meals together and because many of the recipes were from my Grandma S. who passed away in November. I miss her.

I like Shara's quote from the front:

There is a unique marriage between food and relationships. I felt happy as I entered recipes that were in my Grandma Steidinger's handwriting, imagining my mother requesting recipes after she was married and in her own home, just like my sisters and I have done. There were recipes from my Grandma Dotterer which made me glad to think that she and my mom could share family favorites, maybe recipes my dad had loved growing up.

And

Once again, we're a family, and we're keeping ourselves bound together by shared meals, even if we aren't eating them together every night like we used to.

The cookbook has over 400 recipes from the basic to some of Shara's knockout desserts. The cookbook is illustrated by my sister, Jenna, and has delicate, watercolors marking each new section.

In celebration of my first mother's day, I am giving away a free copy on this blog!

To enter, please leave a comment with your favorite recipe memory (something like, I always drank mint tea (recipe in the book!) at my Grandma Steidinger's out of plastic cups or, we drink mocha punch (also in the book) at every family Christmas).

You just have to enter by 11:59 PM on Monday, May 14.

And if you don't win, Shara is selling them for $15 each.

Happy Mother's Day!

3 weeks and one day

I was trying to think of clever titles of this post. The best I could come up with was Up(in the middle of the night)dates. And I didn't think that was very funny.

Instead I chose  to title this how long we've had Baby J. 

This post is all about the frequently asked questions. We don't mind the questions at all, but I thought it might be nice to have these here for the people who don't see us that often. Some of the questions I made up ;).

Do you know if you will be able to adopt him yet?

No, we do not. And we're not sure when we will know whether we're temporary or permanent parents. By the beginning of July, we might have some more answers, but probably won't know for sure for quite a few months.

How's the Poland adoption going?

Our paperwork is over there and we still expect to get our Poland referral in March or April, 2013. It must be after October, 2012 because we have to have Baby J at least 6 months before we can have more children.

How is he sleeping at night?

Better. Usually he sleeps around 3 hours at a time. Last night was an exception, but he's been doing well lately.

Do his birthparents have contact with you or Baby J?

Yes, his birthmother sees him once per week. Due to some technical difficulties, his birthfather has not been able to see him yet. They both contact me frequently to check on him.

How are you adjusting to parenthood?

Lisa - It's been so much better than I expected. We love having him here.

Bryan - "Isn't parenthood great?" That's a mushy Bryan quote. They don't happen often. Wink, wink.

Usually people tell parents who the child looks like. What do they say to you?

Surprisingly, we've had several people mention that Baby J has some similarities to us. Like, Bryan's hairline and curly-ish hair and Bryan's "fine" features (My large features guffawed at that one :)). My hair coloring and my - sniffle! - height. You see, Baby J is in the 7th percentile for length. Mostly though, people just say he's cute. Which he is, baby acne and all.

Are you (Lisa) still working?

I am taking a lot of time off right now until June. As of this second, I am intending to stay working. That does depend on a lot of factors, so we will see what happens.

Does Bryan change diapers?

Bryan is amazing. He feeds him and changes diapers like a pro. Sometimes he even gets up with him at night if I need a break. 

Is he a good baby?

Yes, he's very easy to take care of. He likes to eat, sleep and be held. We can accommodate that!

What's his name?

Well, well, well. His name is Jayden. We had every intention of changing his name if we adopted him...until his birthmother begged us not to change it. And I agreed to that. 

Is it hard for you to think of him leaving?

We just enjoy each minute with him and try to leave the future to God.

The Longest Night

Two nights stick in my mind as almost unending. The first was a long time ago, my last night as an Ohio resident, in fact. The other was within the last 8 years. We (3 girls) were on an eventful trip to Lake Powell. By eventful, I mean things like using (and emptying) a miniature port-a-potty; navigating a houseboat parking lot in the dark with our boat; learning to drive the boat and whomping down when we hit a houseboat's wake.

Girls in their early 20s are adventurous. We thought it would be so cool to sleep on the shores of Lake Powell. Imagine, pulling your boat up on the shore for the night in a secluded cove and going to sleep (hahahaha) with the gentle sound of water lapping at the water's edge. As the sun gently peaked over the horizon, we would be awakened to a peaceful morning.

So I settled into the sand for my first (and last, I think) night on the beach. First, it was cold. We didn't have enough clothes. And the ol' wind kicked up a mite so sand blew in our faces all.night.long. I think we even took turns sleeping in the middle because it lent some shelter from the wind. It was a long night.  Each minute ticked by so slowly. In the morning, we were bleary-eyed, sand-blasted, frozen, and well, we had looked better. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever looked worse.

We looked so bad that, when one of my traveling companions heard that we were adopting, she said, "If you show that picture to anyone I'm pretty sure you won't be approved to adopt any children."

Oh, did you want to see it? I found it on a scrapbook page and thought it would be funny to share. This is the better picture; I can't find the really bad one, but use your imagination. I promise it was terrible. See below.

Admittedly, that story was a long way to get to my point. That face, the face I thought I wouldn't see again for awhile, looks back at me every morning. See, Baby J sleeps all day and he's up most of the night. What really surprises me is that I'm okay with the eye bags and scratchy eyes and my general mental fogginess. We've already had him two weeks and it's gone by so quickly. I'm sure I'll get exhausted soon, but, for now, we're enjoying him...at any time of day.

The black blob is a friend who did not grant me permission to share her face :).

Life changes and diaper changes

Bryan's manly hands! Edit: Bryan thinks I'm odd for having this caption, but I didn't want anyone to think these hairy, vein-y hands were mine :).

It didn't take long for Baby J to wriggle his way into our hearts.

We've had him home for a little over 48 hours. During that time, we gone through more formula, diapers and outfits than we ever thought possible.

Here's what we've learned so far:

1. Even though newborns sleep 16-20 hours a day, we've discovered he sleeps 18 hours when the sun's up. You can do the math :).
2. To every action, there is always an equal and opposite reaction (i.e. when we feed him a bottle, we immediately have to change his diaper).
3. He loves to be warm and clothed.
4. He is precious and perfect.
5. He makes funny expressions and sometimes he even smiles.
6. It's easier than we thought to know when to feed him, change him, or hold him.
7. We are spoiled to have a great support system who gives us food, clothes, and many offers to help!
8. We don't know how to compare our feelings about him to a child that we carried for 9 months and shares our blood and DNA. But the way we feel...well, we don't know how we could love him any more.
9. And I'm just beginning to know that I was wrong (Bryan says that people who share my maiden name sometimes have a hard time admitting they're wrong - raise your hand if you agree!). But I was heartbreakingly wrong about this one. In the hearts of Baby J's biological parents, there is a Baby J shaped hole. How could I have thought they wouldn't love him just as much as we do? We are so happy to have him, but our hearts feel the anguish of his other parents, too. Each day, I learn something else that tells me why it's so hard on them. If we do get to keep him, I will be able to assure Baby J that his birthparents loved him without question.

That's all for now! Bryan is on baby duty tonight, so I might get some sleep.

One Rainy April Morning

As I struggled to fall asleep, I prayed for the baby and his parents. The next morning, I heard that the baby had been born.
I wanted to see him, so I checked with both parents. They said it was okay.
Bryan said, "I can't go, I just can't see him."
So I drove alone. And I held him on a rainy April morning. He was precious, but I was content to leave.
Things did not go as I expected them to go though.
As I stood quietly, I saw lots of love in his family and I felt lots of pain for them. I realized that love is more than just providing for your child, it's more than a stable environment. Frankly, I saw a deep love and anguish that cuts deeply in my heart. I can't explain it.
Like I said, things were different than I expected. Through another up and down day, Bryan and I were bewildered. We were faced with more decisions and what should we do? What should you do when any action will hurt someone?
In the morning, I begged God to just show me He cared. I know He cares about me, but did He care about this situation? Did He really? And if He really did, could He please show us what to do?
And suddenly, I knew God would show me in a very clear way what we should do in the sermons of the day.
If I told you that God brought an amazing sermon to us, would you be surprised? I tried to keep the tears from falling, because God said to me, "Keep trying. Don't give up on this baby. It may not be exactly what you wanted. You may have concerns, but this is not about you."
Bryan and I felt the same. We didn't know what would happen; we only knew we had to try.
At 5pm today, we brought Jayden home. He is in our home through foster care. Only God know how long he will be here.
Even though we are happy to have him here (and overwhelmed, who are we kidding?), we are so sad for his birth family.  Please pray for them if you can.
We promised them that we would love him and care for him. And we want to enjoy every minute because it may not last.

We tried.

We did our best, we did everything within our control, we submitted the outcome to God, but the answer is that one parent wants to keep the baby.

We have an odd mix of relief, disappointment, sadness, and happiness. We wish only the best for the child and his family.

Though He slay me

When I say we've been stressed, I know there are people who have suffered (and still suffer) so much more than we have. My heart bleeds for them. This story is not one of "how-we-have-the-worst-situation" because that's not us. We have been amazingly and wonderful blessed.

But I picked up a calendar last week and started going through the first weeks of 2012. There have been some really hard things. Thankfully, someone shared the verse from Job: Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

Last week, I took back all my thoughts that adoption was a beautiful thing. It was stripped down to its nakedness and revealed that adoption results from pain, sin, the questions that will forever remain unanswered (why did I get the good things out of life? I don't deserve them more than that person, etc.), and on and on. It seemed to show the stark inequality in the world, that life really is not fair and that, frankly, sometimes people have so many things against them, how can they ever get out of the hole and have dreams of their own future?

Last night, we had dinner with part of baby A's family. We were "interviewed" by them and it was a good experience. On the way home, I thought to myself, "Yes, adoption does reveal the gritty, realistic details of life. But, while it may not be beautiful in and of itself, it seems redemptive somehow. That a couple with no children to love might be given one. And a family who isn't sure they can provide for a child they love might have a place to send him." 

So while it seems too real to be beautiful, with God's perfect wisdom, it seems right.

We still don't know what the family will decide, but they said they would let us know on Monday.

No matter what happens now, we're okay with it, because...Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

Helpless, but not Hopeless

"I'm stressed," Bryan said, as he handed me an empty package of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies.

"You ate them all?"

I can't believe he ate my cookies. He doesn't even like sweets! But cookies aside, we have been stressed.

The last two weeks have been filled with bewilderment, anxiety, stress, uncertainty and more. Basically, the facts are that this baby will probably be born and go home with someone else. We knew this was a risk going into this, so it's not really a surprise...although the craziness has been a bit more crazy than we expected.

So here's where we are: by next week, we should know whether we will have a son soon (although the way things have gone, it ain't over til it's over). In some ways, I feel we do have a child. His sonogram is sitting on our desk. But in many other ways, he's not ours.

It's hard to think about his future, but we're really trying to trust God. Yes, it's stressful, but I think we're doing fairly well. We're helpless, but not hopeless. You can't really be hopeless when your trust is in God, right?

I will post as soon as I hear an answer one way or another.

Rollercoaster

I've never liked rollercoasters. Never. Even as a teenager when most kids like plunging suddenly, flipping upside down and whipping around corners at breakneck speeds. Not me.

But we're on one now - wow, are we ever. Without putting too many details in so public a place, I've been up since 2:30 this morning, sorting through baby clothes, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes and sorting laundry.

Today I've heard the baby's heartbeat, and I hope I can see him on a sonogram later.

But will we ever get to hold him?

Adoption Update

The only indication that we're getting closer (perhaps, I must always insert perhaps) to a baby is the four tubs of boy clothes on the family room floor I am going through. The crib is up, but then, it's always up.

Otherwise, we've done nothing. Sometimes I sit in a chair, pretending I need to rest my swollen feet and ankles :). I don't have swollen feet and ankles, of course, but resting is nice.

Bryan and I were chatting last night. We both agreed we feel out of control. A phone call to the lawyer yesterday revealed that we were at a standstill. We wish we would be making progress with the paperwork, but he's trying. We called the birthmother last night and felt better after talking to her. She said we could come to the hospital when she's in labor, if we want to. We do. 

I wonder if other expectant parents feel the way we feel now. Not knowing when the phone call will come. Not knowing where we'll be. Wondering if we should take our family trip the first weekend in April or if he'll be born when we're hours from home. Wondering what he'll look like or how his personality will be.

Not knowing if we will be bringing him home.

I am trying to stay busy, but not too busy. I want to savor the last few weeks of being with Bryan without the distraction of a child. I want to enjoy throwing myself into my job and serving my students. I want to give myself a crash course on being more selfless, loving, tender, patient, and kind. I want to look forward in great anticipation to meeting our son. I want to have time to really (and I mean, REALLY) think about our parental responsibilities.

Still waiting.

Dossier is on its way to Poland

Our agency received our dossier and sent it on its merry way to Poland.

I am not sure what happens next. Perhaps we will get an official notification that we're officially waiting. We do have to have six months between children, so we will not be getting any additional children until October.

Aberle, Party of...Three

Sometimes things don't really go like you planned. Or, if you're like me, things definitely don't go the way you planned, so you made plan B. And just when you got used to plan B, plan C appeared. And while you're trying to discover how you feel about Plan C, Plan D arrives on the scene.

I don't know which plan we're really on. I've lost count.

About two weeks ago, our adoption agency contacted us. "There's an almost two-year-old Polish boy available with some special needs. Are you interested in seeing his information?"

We were. This was not what we had planned. In some ways it was better. We would have him home in April or May. He was significantly younger than we'd thought. But we weren't sure he would have the best opportunities here, with us. Were we capable of being the parents he needed?

The same day we received videos of him (and what a sweetie! what a personality! I love him), we got a phone call from someone else. For the last five months, we were being considered to adopt a local infant. It fell through in December and we decided to move on.

Now, they were desperately looking for someone to take this child (not yet born, due in April). The people they'd originally selected were not working out.

But the problem was that if we said yes to one child, we had to say no to the other. We could not (were not allowed to) take both.

I find no words to describe how difficult and painful this decision was for us. For one thing, it made look at myself and my motives, my desires and my plans. I thought I had reconciled that the way I had wanted to build a family was not the way that God wanted to build our family. I thought I was trusting God to take care of it, but I realized that it hurt me very deeply that we were being asked to make a decision like this.

What kind of crazy world is this? I wondered. What IS the right thing to do? Bryan and I were not prepared for this emotional turmoil. We thought that we would be overjoyed (and a little scared) about seeing the information on our children for the first time. We thought it would be exciting.

It wasn't like that. I still struggle to name the source of this pain. I opened up an email this afternoon from a friend who has both adopted children and biological children. She said that there is physical travail in childbirth and emotional travail in adoption. While I haven't experienced childbirth, I imagine this anguish in our hearts in similar to the pain of that.

We don't have an amazing story that lend us to make our decision. We hope we're making the right one. All I can say is that we feel God's comfort and embrace. Last week, our hearts were anxious and overwhelmed. Today, we're still wondering exactly what the future holds, we still have a lot of decisions to make (and not a lot of time to make them), and we are nervous about being parents. (My word, how do people do this and survive?).

One of things I read this week was, if God is not Master of ALL, He is not Master AT ALL. And that is giving us strength to go on. Even though this is painful for us, and even though it seems like a big decision and even though we understand so little, it's not big at all compared to what others are going through.

So, yes, Lord willing, we will become a party of three in April. We opted for the infant (also a boy!). We feel like we let the Polish boy down, but I got an email this morning that there is a Polish couple interested in him. Yes, his agency preferred the US because they thought he would have more opportunities, but we're happy that he will have parents who love him.

Things could still fall through for the infant. It's a complicated situation that makes it more high-risk than some, but we will trust that if this boy is ours, it will all work out. We pray for his birthparents and we're grateful they have made this decision to entrust him to us.

Dossier in the mail!

We received our last piece of paperwork (with appropriate seal) today, so our dossier will be mailed off to Washington state and our adoption agency tomorrow.
The dossier will be translated into Polish and go into Poland soon. Then we officially begin waiting.
Are you wondering what a dossier is? What kind of paperwork is inside?
Well, if you are (oops! even if you aren't), here is a list:
Homestudy (includes information on family, our marriage and financial picture, juicy reading, selling copies for $25 each)
Background checks
A letter from our bank regarding our stellar checking account balance overdrafts omitted due to subtraction errors
Physician letters
Homestudy agency licenses
Birth Certificates
Marriage certificate
House deed
Tax return
Passport pictures (I hope no one looks at these; I can't imagine anyone approving us to be parents after looking at them)
Employment verification letters
Reference letters
And adoption training certificates

Whew. Lots of information. In one little big envelope. This envelope holds within its manila depths the culmination of 9 months of work. We never dreamed it would take this long, but we're glad it's done.

We have some major decisions to make that have ramifications either way, so our stress level is high. We are praying for wisdom. Soon, we'll share some of those things. In the meanwhile, let's take a humor break, shall we?

When I get stressed, I go into big picture mode. Bryan goes into detail-oriented mode. Here's what I mean (and I am totally NOT making this up): when we are having company, I do crazy things like, well, washing dishes, making sure all the dust bunnies are under the bed where they belong (not out in the open), and that the laundry is put away. Bryan can't get the dirty kitchen cabinet handles out of his mind. He scrubs them with a toothbrush. After that, he usually will clean a part of the house that company will not see (such as the basement laundry room or even the detached garage).

Folks, I am not complaining. I am grateful that he cleans. He does a really, really good job. In fact, he's downright amazing.

I believe this de-stress detour may have helped. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Apostilling Adventure

I drove to Springfield this morning with Mapquest directions to the Secretary of State's (will be identified as "SOS" from now on) office in hand. Everything was great until I pulled up next to the Capital building. I looked at my paper. 0.1 miles, your destination is on your right. I looked at my right. The Capital building again. How strange.

I kept driving, getting into the 200 block, then 300. I called the SOS office. "Um, hello, I am trying to find your building? And I'm having trouble?"

I'm not a customer service expert, but let's just say that the receptionist had a voice that made me think, well, that she didn't like talking to lost people.

In a monotone, "We're the building north of the Capital."

"And how about parking?"

"Parking behind the building is for state employees. There is metered parking in front you can use."

That was great, just great. I normally NEVER carry cash, but today, thinking ahead, I had slipped some greenbacks in my purse. The only problem was that I had one nickel and 6 pennies.

Which, in case you're wondering, is not enough to park. So I did what anyone would do. I drove around to find a McDonald's to buy a frappe I didn't want with money I didn't want to spend. The first funny thing was that I only had $50s. (I feel the need to mention this is unusual, too. I don't want you to think this is our normal currency of choice, but I happened to do a favor for a friend and this was my payment. Oh, the friend's number is - haha, just kidding. It was a good favor.) I paid with a $50. It seemed ridiculous.

So I bought the frappe (mindlessly) and while waiting, I happened to glance down in my hand. My change include one quarter. One! 


I figured, being across from the Capital, that one quarter wouldn't even be close to what I needed. So....

"Ma'am, is there any way you can give me 4 quarters for a dollar?"

She looked at me and was polite. "Yes, but you'll have to wait until my drawer is open again."

So I affixed a grin to my face while I waited for the next customer.

I got four quarters.

Then I set out to try to find the SOS building.

North of the Capital? That meant it was on the...left. And there it was.

I found a meter, gave it three quarters (which happened to give me 1.5 hours. Sorry, congresspeople. I shouldn't have assumed it would be inflated), and met the very (?) friendly receptionist. I didn't see a smile. Come to think of it, I didn't see a frown either. Just...nothing.

This story has already dragged on too long, but since I don't post often, you don't care, right? Right?

The lady who did the apostilling was very nice. Five documents had to be notarized or renotarized for various reasons (the notary was very friendly, too) and 24 documents were apostilled. My birth certificate, since it was from Ohio, can't be apostilled in Illinois. So I have to mail it to Ohio.  Tangent: that means I can't send all this paperwork off to Washington yet. Maybe next week. But the seals on our paperwork look very pretty.

While sitting there (it took awhile - 9 minutes left on the meter when I went back out), I had the opportunity to observe. The funniest thing of the whole day was an exchange between a worker and someone on the phone.

The worker got more and more irritated with the caller. Lots of huffing, sighs, etc.

Finally, the worker said, "Thanks for your advice!" and she hung up.

When she got off the phone, she told her coworker, "That person gave me some customer service advice, so I thought they would like to talk to a dial tone!"

Mercifully, this is the end of the story.

Approval letter received!

How exciting! Today we received our approval letter.

Tomorrow I will email all our documents to our adoption agency to make sure we have everything. Then they will get apostilled. THEN they go to Poland.

I am grateful to have this letter a week before I expected it :).